X. RELEASE FROM GUILT, P 8
8 Now it is given you to heal and teach, to make what will be now. As yet it is not now. The Son of God believes that he is lost in guilt, alone in a dark world where pain is pressing everywhere upon him from without. When he has looked within and seen the radiance there, he will remember how much his Father loves him. And it will seem incredible that he ever thought his Father loved him not, and looked upon him as condemned. The moment that you realize guilt is insane, wholly unjustified and wholly without reason, you will not fear to look upon the Atonement and accept it wholly.
Journal
Jesus is both acknowledging that we are not now living what is true, and he tells us, again, how it is that we can live the truth. We are suffering because we believe in guilt. It is that simple. When we decide to believe him and understand that guilt is not real, we will not be afraid to look within and find the Atonement and we will accept it wholly.
Right now Jesus says that we are lost in guilt, alone in a dark world where pain is pressing everywhere upon us from without. I had that experience yesterday. I was with family and it was mostly a peaceful and loving day, but there was one situation that was painful. There is a family member who I worry about, and there was some subtle friction there. Later when I was alone I felt the unease intensely.
Looking at it today, I realize that I lacked faith in my brother. I judged him and found him guilty. Guilt led to fear and that was the cause of my disturbance. The belief that his behavior could lead to something bad (projecting the past onto the present and thus assuring that the future does not change) was painful. It felt like I did nothing to deserve this and it wasn’t fair that I was suffering. (Beware of the temptation to see yourself unfairly treated.) My dark thoughts were painful and the pain seemed to come from the other person. (If only he would act differently, I could be happy.)
Two things happened here that made the situation seem oppressive; one is that the solution seemed to be that the other person had to change and nothing I said or did could affect that change. This left me feeling helpless and a victim. The other is that in seeing the other person as guilty reinforced the belief in guilt in my mind. This made me afraid to look within to find the Atonement and so, again, I seemed to be without a solution.
The saving grace is that I have been working on letting go of the belief in guilt. Throughout the unhappy experience I was watching for true thoughts in my mind and I found many. This kept me from fully accepting what the ego mind was offering. One thing I did that was very helpful is that I remembered Jesus saying in the Course that I can share my burdensome experiences with him and he would help me. So this is what I did. I let the emotion out, and as I cried I talked to him about how this felt. That did help a lot and opened me to more help.
Another thing that happened is that I have asked the Holy Spirit to use my sleep time to heal my mind. Evidently he did that. I woke up this morning feeling much better and I had a true thought bubble up to the surface. Upon awakening I had not thought about the situation with the family member, so I was surprised by this thought. The only thing happening right now is that he is not living the life I want him to live. I had to laugh at that. Why should he do that? Why would I think that was necessary?
The ego never gives up on guilt, though. I began to think about how depressing it is that I could go a whole day worrying and judging. I began to think that I am very far from awakening, and not the teacher of God that I profess I want to be. I started to think how much help I am given and that I am guilty for not doing better. The ego just loves the drama of all this as it waffles from “poor me” to “shame on me.” It would love to spend another day sad and discouraged.
Thinking these kinds of thoughts is like standing in quicksand. It just sucks me down into depression, and the more I struggle against it, the faster it does its guilty work. But if I sit still in the wake of the ego storm, just resting my mind in God, I feel the ego-induced emotions wash over me. I hear the ego self-judgment and fear thoughts, but it all passes and I find myself free of the muck. Then I give my willingness to the Holy Spirit to look within for the Atonement and let it do it’s beautiful healing work as I lay one false belief after another onto the altar to be undone. After that it easy for me to say no to the ego thoughts that try to once again get my attention.
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