XI. The Peace of Heaven, P 1
1 Forgetfulness and sleep and even death become the ego’s best advice for dealing with the perceived and harsh intrusion of guilt on peace. Yet no one sees himself in conflict and ravaged by a cruel war unless he believes that both opponents in the war are real. Believing this he must escape, for such a war would surely end his peace of mind, and so destroy him. Yet if he could but realize the war is between real and unreal powers, he could look upon himself and see his freedom. No one finds himself ravaged and torn in endless battles if he himself perceives them as wholly without meaning.
Journal
Two things came to mind as I read this paragraph. First I thought how very accurate that first sentence: Forgetfulness and sleep and even death become the ego’s best advice for dealing with the perceived and harsh intrusion of guilt on peace. I was especially drawn to the idea that the ego mind will offer death as a solution when the mind becomes overwhelmed with fear and guilt.
At first it offers sickness, injury, that sort of thing, because it is being subtle, perhaps not to push us so far that we seriously consider a real solution. I used to be in constant conflict, always on the defensive. What I started to notice is that if I held a grievance for too long, or became emotionally overwrought, I would get sick. This was something I only slowly came to realize, but once I did, I became open to solutions that didn’t hurt so much.
Now that I am very aware of what is happening when I lose my peace, and now that I am closer to ending conflict in my life, the ego has become more open it its attacks. I don’t get extremely upset very often anymore, but when it does happen, what I began to hear from the ego was that it was hopeless and I may as well just die because it was my only way out. It was so blatant an attack that it woke me up to what the ego was doing and I felt at first, appalled, and then pleased. I was pleased because that level of viciousness speaks to the ego’s desperation to keep me identified with it.
The second thing that stood out to me is the solution, recognizing that this is a battle between real and unreal powers. As I have shifted in my understanding and as I have practiced what Jesus is teaching us, I am more willing to accept that Myron and her whole world of endless battles is unreal. At first it seemed like a battle for my soul and the ego was winning. Then it seemed like I was fighting back and that I was winning. Now I see that the battle, if it ever existed at all, was won long ago. Now I am just watching it over and over until I finally tire of it and surrender into Love.
The ego never had any power. It seemed to have power and I seemed to be fighting it only because I gave it power in my mind. Really, it was just a concept, an idea or curiosity that was projected outward and experienced. Once seen it was rejected and all went back to what it had been and always would be. The part of the mind we call the ego does not in any way influence us. It is simply a choice we make moment to moment. It is completely powerless and we are completely free.
When we choose ego, we are doing it deliberately. When we choose to turn from ego to Holy Spirit instead, we simply choose very deliberately to do that instead. The ego has no power to stop us from what we want. We merely pretend to battle the ego to avoid responsibility for the situation. The thing I remind myself frequently is that this pretend battle is not happening. We are watching and in watching we are deciding when we are through with the idea of separation and don’t want to watch anymore.
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