III. The Decision for Guiltlessness, P 19, 20
19 Whenever you are in doubt what you should do, think of His Presence in you, and tell yourself this, and only this:
He leadeth me and knows the way, which I know not.
Yet He will never keep from me what He would have me learn.
And so I trust Him to communicate to me all that He knows for me.
20 Then let Him teach you quietly how to perceive your guiltlessness, which is already there.
Journal
I struggled yesterday with ego thoughts of guilt trying to drive my words and actions. The ego would go from blame to fear over and over again. It felt very uncomfortable, but I knew then as I know now that God’s Holy Spirit is in my mind and that I can trust Him. I kept talking to God and asking for help. And of course, I received help. When the time came to speak, I was spoken through, and all is well.
Looking back on yesterday I have to laugh at the ego’s antics. Did you know that jelly beans are a way to resolve the effects of conflict in the mind? If you are doubtful about that you would be right. While they were yummy, they didn’t actually make me feel any better. “Typical, ego, seek and do not find. Thanks for nothing.”
One thing I notice is that while I was intermittently anxious, I was not nearly as upset as I used to get. What I mean by that is that when I had a worry thought or a blame thought, I would feel anxious, then I would talk to Holy Spirit and feel better. I continuously asked Him to decide for me. So while there was anxiety in the moment, there was also faith which would bring me back to peace.
The only really rough moments led to the over indulgence in jelly beans. And even that helped me to see how the mind works. I started off eating three jelly beans and immediately I knew this was an ego impulse. It was the ego offering me a solution to my anxiety that doesn’t work. In taking that direction I was feeding the ego appetite, which is trying to use the body to solve problems.
I kept going back for more jelly beans even knowing what was happening and that triggered guilt feelings. But still, I was aware and I kept asking the Holy Spirit to decide for me. There are still jelly beans in the bag so it worked. LOL.
It is important to note that in my thoughts and actions it seemed like I wasn’t receiving help, and it seemed like I was giving in to ego. But when the time came for me to speak and to act, it was clear that I was stepping back and allowing the Holy Spirit to speak through me, so my prayer absolutely was answered. The idea that was reinforced for me during this time is that I am not guilty for my vacillating mind. This is just how things work until we make a final decision for God.
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