III. The Decision for Guiltlessness, P 2
2 Perhaps you are accustomed to using guiltlessness merely to offset the pain of guilt, and do not look upon it as having value in itself. You believe that guilt and guiltlessness are both of value, each representing an escape from what the other does not offer you. You do not want either alone, for without both you do not see yourself as whole and therefore happy. Yet you are whole only in your guiltlessness, and only in your guiltlessness can you be happy. There is no conflict here. To wish for guilt in any way, in any form, will lose appreciation of the value of your guiltlessness, and push it from your sight.
Journal
This was an interesting paragraph when I first read it, because it had never occurred to me that I was deliberately choosing to use both guilt and guiltlessness and that I found value only in having both at my disposal. I believed that they each offered me something that I needed and so I needed to keep both. I am learning that this is not true. And I see that I cannot live with only guilt, and since I must choose only one, it is guiltlessness I choose to value.
I discovered that guilt is a surprisingly stubborn belief for something that is so painful. First I had to look at the reasons I think guilt has value to me. I asked the Holy Spirit to clarify this for me and over a period of time He pointed out my perceived need for guilt. For instance, I would get angry with my son for his behavior and think he should do better. This was me making him guilty. What was really happening is that I was afraid for him and I didn’t know what to do with my fear so I projected it onto him as guilt. This made my peace his responsibility
For a long time I didn’t know another way to deal with my fear. I just kept trying to throw it out onto someone else. Another time I saw this happen was at work. I would be concerned about losing a customer and this would make me afraid. So then I would think how ungrateful that customer was, because after all, I had done so much for him. Or I would worry about my boss’s reaction and think how ungrateful he was that he would get mad at me for something I couldn’t prevent, because after all, I had been such a good employee.
Now when I see these ideas in my mind, it is really obvious to me what I was doing as I tried to rid myself of my fear, but at the time, it wasn’t so clear. The fear clouded my mind and made a different choice difficult. It really did seem that guilt was valuable. Otherwise, what would I do with all that responsibility? I would just turn the guilt inward and that would be crushing. I couldn’t see a world with no guilt at all.
There was an underlying reason for the guilt, one that I was oblivious to for a long time. The ego mind wants to continue to exist. That part of my mind likes the stories and likes the idea of being a separate individual with separate goals and separate needs. It likes the idea of competition, of winners and losers. It likes the idea of being its own god. And this desire to play around in the separation idea, which seems to be in defiance of God, creates a lot of unconscious guilt.
The ego mind deals with this guilt through projection. It makes up guilty stories about the self or others that seem to explain away the guilt. Anything I could do, any guilty act would be more acceptable than thinking that I am guilty of defying God. Even better is if I could find someone else to blame for the guilt, but either way, projecting the guilt as a story in the life of Myron seems essential to the ego. Giving up the idea of guilt is not an option to the ego mind because guilt is the glue that holds the whole illusion in place. Ending guilt would end the ego.
The solution to guilt in whatever form it takes is simple. When I notice that I am indulging in guilt, however that might look, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me another way to see it. I ask for mind healing. After doing this for a while now, it seems the more natural response and I do it all the time. I no longer have to work at it, trying to talk myself into it. I just want peace of mind and guiltlessness will give that to me. It requires only vigilance and trust, and it requires that I choose only guiltlessness and forever give up guilt. I am willing.
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