III. The Decision for Guiltlessness, P 5
5 The miracle teaches you that you have chosen guiltlessness, freedom and joy. It is not a cause, but an effect. It is the natural result of choosing right, attesting to your happiness that comes from choosing to be free of guilt. Everyone you offer healing to returns it. Everyone you attack keeps it and cherishes it by holding it against you. Whether he does this or does it not will make no difference; you will think he does. It is impossible to offer what you do not want without this penalty. The cost of giving is receiving. Either it is a penalty from which you suffer, or the happy purchase of a treasure to hold dear.
Journal
Happiness is simple because it is the effect of choosing guiltlessness. And it is incredibly hard because it is the effect of choosing guiltlessness. Last night someone I love very much broke a promise and did something both foolish and self destructive. I was so angry. I cannot honestly remember being so angry before. I know I used to be angry a lot but that was so long ago.
Anger is actually fear and when we are fearful the natural response is to defend oneself. Defense is often expressed as attack and to attack is to make guilty and then to feel guilty. I wasn’t very happy last night. I knew what was going on in my mind. I saw the guilt and anger and blame. I saw myself trying to control and manipulate. I saw that I was feeling betrayed and that I was feeling unfairly treated.
Sometimes when I see these kinds of things in myself it makes me laugh and the laughter pulls me out of it. Last night it just made me feel like a failure and hopeless. No, not happy at all. I went to sleep feeling defeated and hoping that morning would bring a fresh start and maybe some sanity. But I did note that even in midst of all this confusion, I knew what was happening, I just couldn’t seem to stop it.
Well, it is morning and I do feel better. I feel the pull of ego but I also feel the love and comfort of God’s Love. I did the daily lesson, read my journal of past entries and decided to keep the last one as was. Then I looked at the miracle principle number 43 and there is a message I received from Jesus when I first wrote in my journal about this one. It was a message to me this morning.
In part, this is what it said.
Jesus: Yes, this is what happens when you believe the fear thoughts. Just as the miracle is an expression of an inner awareness of Christ and the acceptance of His Atonement, fear is an expression of identifying with ego and accepting its thought system of separation. You feel battered by these expressions of fear; anger, anxiety, frustration and all the others.
You feel this way because you have told yourself that you should not feel them, and yet they are inevitable when you experience yourself as separate. Your upset is the result of believing you have sinned. You have not, but because you believe you have and because you are afraid of seeing yourself this way, the ego mind creates a fog of confusion and you feel like you don’t know what is happening.
The way to break this cycle is to realize that anything you feel is acceptable. You cannot be guilty because you were not created guilty. You cannot be guilty any more than God could be guilty because you are His extension. Feel whatever you feel, and without guilt confusing the issue, you will quickly recognize it for what it is and move through it. You already have learned to laugh at your false beliefs once you remember your self. I am only telling you how to do it faster and with less discomfort.
It is like those years ago when I received this it was really for today. The more I do this Course I am certain that my awakening is carefully planned with all the characters and circumstances in place so that when a lesson is needed it is right there. I have been working on patience and gentleness, then on relationships, then on universal love and devotion. So of course the perfect storm of a lesson will be right here when I am ready for it.
Last night, in my fear I attacked. I offered a dear brother anger, frustration, blame, guilt and fear. The cost of giving is receiving. And boy, did I ever receive it! I have asked for help to see this situation differently and hopefully I have decided to accept the Holy Spirit’s assistance in making a different decision about it.
I feel calm and I don’t feel the need to make the other person guilty. I don’t feel the need to stay guilty for my error. This makes me miracle ready and I ask for and accept the miracle so that I can give the miracle. In this sane moment, I am astounded that I thought my confused and suffering brother needed my condemnation. Clearly, he was looking for a miracle of love. Perhaps now I can answer his call for love.
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