VII. The Needless Sacrifice, P 13
13 Forgiveness lies in communication as surely as damnation lies in guilt. It is the Holy Spirit’s teaching function to instruct those who believe communication to be damnation that communication is salvation. And He will do so, for the power of God in Him and you is joined in a real relationship so holy and so strong, that it can overcome even this without fear.
Journal
I was watching a YouTube of Byron Katie this morning (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0YaHxO5A8k&feature=youtu.be) She began the talk with an example of a mother being angry with her child for spilling her milk. The mother says, “I told you to be careful. What’s wrong with you.” Katie points out that the child hears, “There’s something wrong with me.”
I’ve done this before. I used to do it when I was younger in pretty much this same way. I had to forgive myself for my error, and through forgiving myself for what I did, I am able now to not do this as much. I say as much because I still do it in a different way. I won’t tell my friend or child that there is something wrong with them when they make an error, but I might show my disappointment in some way that lets them know they are not living up to my expectations.
This behavior now is much rarer and is going away completely as I continue to forgive. But, as Katie pointed out, doing this is a form of violence and I don’t want to contribute to violence by letting my violent words to go out into the world. Violence is not communication; it is the opposite of communication. I had to ask myself a question this morning. Why it is that even though I know better and want to do better, sometimes I still use words that condemn rather than communicate.
As a young mother, I was afraid of failing at my job. I was afraid that I would not bring my child up right and I had good reason to be afraid. I had no idea how to be a mother. I just copied what my mom did even though she often wasn’t a good role model for motherhood any more than her mother was for her.
I often yelled at my kids, especially the first two when I was especially young and ignorant, and I said things that didn’t help. I failed to communicate with love because I didn’t understand that love is powerful and the only real form of communication there is. I stuck with fear and guilt because I understood fear and guilt and it was love that I was afraid of.
Those times when I still use fear or guilt to control, it is still out of fear. It is because I think I must. For instance, if I think my daughter is not protecting her child the way I think she should, I might point out this error, or try to find a way to say it that will not upset her. Maybe I will just frown. But the point is that I want to control her as a mother and I seem to think that making her feel inadequate to the job is a good way to do this. Jeez!
So I treasure the miscommunication and fear communication. But I am learning to see this in myself, to recognize what is happening and why, and to realize that I no longer believe that fear and guilt and control will make me happy. When I see I have failed to communicate, I stop myself right there if I can, or I undo what I had done as soon as I notice it. Thanks to God, I do not have to do this alone. The Holy Spirit will instruct me and as Jesus says, “He will do so, for the power of God in Him and you is joined in a real relationship so holy and so strong, that it can overcome even this without fear.
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