VII. The Needless Sacrifice, P 7
7 In such insane relationships, the attraction of what you do not want seems to be much stronger than the attraction of what you do want. For each one thinks that he has sacrificed something to the other, and hates him for it. Yet this is what he thinks he wants. He is not in love with the other at all. He merely believes he is in love with sacrifice. And for this sacrifice, which he demands of himself, he demands that the other accept the guilt and sacrifice himself as well. Forgiveness becomes impossible, for the ego believes that to forgive another is to lose him. It is only by attack without forgiveness that the ego can ensure the guilt that holds all its relationships together.
Journal
This is an interesting paragraph. I was talking to someone this morning about forgiveness in relationships. I used my own past relationship with my ex-husband as an example. I had grievances against him for several behaviors and even though I knew I needed to forgive him, I resisted for a long time.
In examining my resistance it seemed to me that it was fear driven. I thought that if I forgave his behavior, I would be defenseless against future behavior of the same sort. It would be like saying to him that his behavior was acceptable and I was all right with it. Then I would only be hurt again. Of course, my decision he was guilty and my defenses against him never changed anything so they were ineffective, but for a long time, I clung to them as if they were my salvation.
That explanation does make sense on the level of the world. But Jesus is telling us that there is a hidden agenda. He is saying that the entire relationship was founded on sacrifice, which leads to hate. The whole thing is glued together with guilt. And this is what we call love in this world.
My story was that I found him attractive in various ways and fell in love with him. Then I discovered all these unattractive traits in him and felt betrayed by him as if he had lied to me about who he was, and so the relationship ended. He probably had a similar story. What actually happened is that I saw in him something I wanted and so I took that. He saw something he wanted in me and he took that. Each of us felt like we had sacrificed ourselves to the other and what we called love was revealed as hatred.
I was trying to understand this through my past relationship. When I met this man, I wanted a number of things from him. I wanted to be taken care of, I wanted loyalty, I wanted to be his one and only, I wanted to be special to him. He liked being with people and having a good time, and since I was not very social, this was intriguing to me. So I also wanted him to take me into his circle of friends so that I could have that experience, too. My hidden agenda was to have someone to blame and project onto, and someone to receive my sacrifice.
I don’t know what he thought he wanted from me, but he had his own list in addition to the hidden list. Everything was fine as long as we were satisfying each other’sso needs, but as often happens, the special love eventually revealed itself for the sacrifice and hatred that it really always is. He got tired of me being his everything and tired of proving to me how special I was. The social affairs and the parties began to feel less intriguing and more of a bore to me.
We were not holding up our end of the bargain and so the bargain began to fall apart. Instead of the sacrifices we made for each other feeling like love, they began to feel like a burden and the resentment soon turned to hatred. He would behave badly and I would try to manipulate him with guilt and shame. It all seemed so reasonable and even necessary when I was lost in my fear, but looking back on it, I see only the inevitable fate of a special relationship that has not been surrendered to the Holy Spirit for healing.
Not all special relationships end up in divorce and some end fairly amicably and others are far worse than mine, and some continue. But the elements are all there if we care to look; there are sacrifice and hatred, fear and guilt. Even in my closest relationships, I have seen this. My relationships with my children are very special and while there is real love there, there is also sacrifice, hatred, and guilt.
For instance, I have thought that my child should sacrifice his time to me, call me visit me, and I have hated him or her when they didn’t. Hate seems like such an ugly word, but resent is just another more acceptable way to say hate.
In lesson 21, Jesus says, “You will become increasingly aware that a slight twinge of annoyance is nothing but a veil drawn over intense fury.” The same idea applies here. Resentment is nothing but a veil drawn over intense hatred. And I have even tried to control and manipulate through guilt in order to keep the sacrifices coming.
The special relationship is an ugly thing when we really look at it and that is probably why we don’t like to look. But, I did look and I keep looking and when I find the elements of fear, guilt, rage, hatred, and sacrifice in my relationships, I forgive it. I give the relationship to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to purify it so that only the love is left.
Now, that relationship with my ex-husband is healed and I feel nothing but love for him. My relationships with my children are mostly healed and I stay vigilant for any indication that there is something to forgive in the relationship. I still find myself slipping back into sacrifice and guilt, but practice accepting the Atonement for that has made the job easier and the exchange of specialness for holiness so much more desirable.
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