III. The God of Sickness, P 9
9 Very simply, then, you may believe you are afraid of nothingness, but you are really afraid of nothing. And in that awareness you are healed. You will hear the god you listen to. You made the god of sickness, and by making him you made yourself able to hear him. Yet you did not create him, because he is not the Will of the Father. He is therefore not eternal and will be unmade for you the instant you signify your willingness to accept only the eternal.
Journal
I used to feel fear when I thought of being not me, when I thought of surrendering to God my little self. I don’t feel that so much anymore. More and more, I have come to believe in a Self that I don’t remember, but must certainly be. I can’t really imagine what it is like to be that Self, but I do believe It exists and that I want to remember. Will there be anything left of me? That of course, is the ego talking. The ego wants to know it will still exist, and that is a non-question because, in reality, the ego never existed. And I am not the ego.
I, the essence of what I am exists, and will always exist. I have not changed since my creation and will never change. I am as God created me and nothing is added to that nor taken from that. This is the reason I am innocent. It is the reason I am saved. I was never endangered. I am the Son of God and part of God and in God. What could endanger me?
But right now and until it is time for me to Awaken, I am dealing with these stories. My job here is to usher in the happy dream, and as I remember that this is not reality and that I am safe, I can more easily accept the Atonement. I can forgive and remember my brother is part of me, and learn to hear Spirit more clearly than I hear ego. I can learn to laugh at the idea of guilt and fear, at suffering and death.
I do all this through the practices given me by Jesus in the Course and other sources. I pay attention to my thoughts and feelings. I notice when they are not in alignment with the truth and I allow the Holy Spirit to heal my mind. I am sick or afraid, and I remember that this is my story and that no one or no thing is to blame. I ask for healing of the mind that chose this story.
It has all become so simple and yet sometimes still seems hard. Every time it feels hard I realize that I am attached to a story, that I seem to find value in some grievance I am holding onto. Or maybe it is because I temporarily forget that I don’t believe in guilt anymore and something I said or did causes me to fall into that pit of despair. Then I have to crawl out of it, at least enough that I can remember I have help, and then as I turn to that Light, I am lifted out.
Always though, sooner or later, I remember that I am suffering because I believe the story and think I have to find a solution for the story. Then I turn from the story and ask that my mind be healed. I wait in certainty, knowing that the Holy Spirit responds to my slightest call for help. That sounds simple, doesn’t it? And it is just that simple. Sometimes, though, it occurs over a matter of hours or even days, depending on how deep into the rabbit hole I went before I realized I wanted out. ~smile~
Here is something funny. As I come out of the hypnotic trance of ego fears, I can always hear the ego calling me back. It says that I can’t leave this problem unsolved. I can’t just walk away. “Hey, what about this person or that circumstance?” But I just keep walking and the less attention I pay to the ego, the more peaceful and happy I become. Soon, I don’t even remember what the big deal was.
Then I laugh as I realize that I had once again got caught up in the idea I had to fix the story if I wanted to be happy. This is never the case. My happiness is not dependent on the story. I only had to shift my mind from the story to my function, which is to accept the Atonement (the Solution) for myself. This is my job here, my purpose, and all I need to do while I am still dreaming. It is enough. “
Come on, Happy Dream! What other block do I need to remove? I’m tired of pain and suffering and am ready for the dream to take a major turn. Holy Spirit, just let me know what you need me to do next. I’m committed to this undoing business.”
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