V. The Denial of God, P 11
11 Out of your gifts to Him the Kingdom will be restored to His Son. His Son removed himself from His gift by refusing to accept what had been created for him, and what he had created in the Name of his Father. Heaven waits for his return, for it was created as the dwelling place of God’s Son. You are not at home anywhere else, or in any other condition. Do not deny yourself the joy that was created for you for the misery you have made for yourself. God has given you the means for undoing what you have made. Listen, and you will learn how to remember what you are.
Journal
The way I am learning to remember what I am right now is by becoming more aware of the attack thoughts in my mind, and asking the Holy Spirit to remove them for me. It is amazing how many they are and how many forms they take. I see that I have attack thoughts directed to others. For instance, I might feel sorry for someone and that is an attack thought. It says that they stand outside the Kingdom.
If I think I need to correct someone or give them advice, that is an attack thought that says they are not capable of finding their own path, which is not true. I was listening to Byron Katie this morning. She was saying that she never gives advice, and for this very reason. When her kids ask her what they should do, she tells them she doesn’t know. She might tell them what she has done in similar circumstances. But she trusts them to find their path, just as she did.
Of course sometimes my attack is more overt. I become angry and defensive and this is an attack. I feel like someone is treating me unfairly and this is an attack on them, too. It is an attack on myself as well. When I think I am a victim to someone else, I have attacked myself. I attack myself every time I feel unworthy or fearful or guilty. I have made the choice to see myself outside the Kingdom all over again, just as I did in that tiny mad moment in which I detoured into fear in guilt and dreamed up this bit of hell I call the world.
It can be very uncomfortable looking at these attack thoughts and taking responsibility for them. It is tiring and sometimes discouraging, but it is what we must all do if we want to be free of them. Yesterday, I did the work and sometimes I cried in sheer frustration that I cling so tightly to these defenses. But I did the work. Today, I will continue it. I want a clear mind, a free mind, a happy mind. I am happy to face what my attack thoughts try to hide, to see that I am not a victim and I am never unfairly treated. I am ready to accept the Atonement for this. It is worth all the effort that is required of me to do this.
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