I. The Gifts of Fatherhood, P 4
4 Waiting is possible only in time, but time has no meaning. You who made delay can leave time behind simply by recognizing that neither beginnings nor endings were created by the Eternal, Who placed no limits on His creation or upon those who create like Him. You do not know this simply because you have tried to limit what He created, and so you believe that all creation is limited. How, then, could you know your creations, having denied infinity?
Journal
I still feel like I am waiting to forgive, to be peaceful, to wake up. It feels like there is this time lag between choosing chaos and choosing peace in whatever form the chaos is taking. It feels like I approach the veil, even peak behind it, and then I wait, thinking, “I’m not there yet.” I say that I live in God, but it feels like I live in time.
Lately, I have discovered the thought that now is the time. I don’t look at it too closely because what if it is not true. Or what if it is true. And yet, when else could one awaken except, now. What other time is there, really? God is eternal and therefore so am I. God is all there is, and so there is only eternity, and in eternity there is no time, no beginning, no ending.
What I have done within my mind is that I have tried to make eternity into something else. I have transformed formlessness into form, and placed gaps of nothing between the forms so that now it appears that there is separation between them. I have imagined it began and then it ends and then I have imagined little gaps between one event and another and called it time. And now one moment is separate from another moment, or so it seems. I have used the power of God to distort creation, to place limits where there is only limitlessness. I then called it reality and believed in it.
Now I wonder why I cannot remember my Creator or my creations. My mind is not so profoundly split as it once was, and I have begun to see through my illusions, and still, here I am. But I am choosing peace and in choosing peace I am making a silent place in my mind, a place where I can meet my God.
I am learning to meet each confused thought, each chaotic moment in my life with the desire for the peace of God. Sometimes it feels like I am gritting my teeth as I insist that my mind belongs to God not the ego. But I know that will pass with “time” and I will be begin to meet each false thought with peace and it will feel joyful rather than a struggle. I know this is true because it is already beginning to happen.
The hardest part of this process has been that I could not believe that all I need to do to have peace is to choose peace. The ego mind fights this idea and calls it impossible. I will be upset about something and the ego wants to stay in that story, be angry about it, to feel unfairly treated, to fix it. I want only to disregard the story as irrelevant, and to choose peace.
It sometimes feels like Myron is struggling with the Angel of Peace, fighting for the right to remain in her righteous anger. I watch, and I feel the turmoil as if it is real and important. I ask the Holy Spirit to heal this rift in my mind, to remove these insane thoughts. Sometimes I ask to see the belief that is being played out here.
If I follow the belief to its origin, it always takes me to the same place. I think I accomplished the impossible. I made time and space and now there is a gap between Love and me that is too big to cross. And alone it is, but I am not alone. The Holy Spirit is my bridge and Jesus is my companion. Each time I use It to cross into peace, the imagined gap closes a bit more.
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