IV. The Inheritance of God’s Son P 6
6 Christ is at God’s altar, waiting to welcome His Son. But come wholly without condemnation, for otherwise you will believe that the door is barred and you cannot enter. The door is not barred, and it is impossible that you cannot enter the place where God would have you be. But love yourself with the Love of Christ, for so does your Father love you. You can refuse to enter, but you cannot bar the door that Christ holds open. Come unto me who holds it open for you, for while I live it cannot be shut, and I live forever. God is my life and yours, and nothing is denied by God to His Son.
Journal
I cry when I read this. Brother Jesus is holding the door open for us, and this invitation is open for as long as we need it to be. I feel so much gratitude for him, and for God who would deny me nothing. I cannot enter, though it is held open for me, if I come with condemnation in my heart. This hits home especially this morning, because I have been condemning myself.
I read a quote by Mooji that felt very important to me. This is what it said:
Once you have surrendered yourself then you should not be worried about any of these things. If you have surrendered yourself to the supreme existence, then you are not to take excessive care of yourself anymore. Otherwise you’re not really surrendered. Either this thing about surrendering is a joke; it’s just in the mind and we’re playing games, or it’s true. If you surrender, you surrender—you know? There can’t be surrendering and still waiting to see if it works or it doesn’t work. Then these thoughts don’t have a landing place. If they come, you say, “Take it up with the boss, okay? I don’t deal with it anymore; it’s not my business anymore. I’ve handed myself in.” – Mooji
I love the way Mooji says this, with humor and certainty. Take it up with the boss. I’ve turned myself in. I have been trying this idea of surrender, and have moved in that direction so that I know that surrender is a peaceful, happy state. But I don’t stay there. When I read what Mooji had to say about it, I knew surrender was right and what I want. Then a thought surfaced and I felt fear.
I remembered standing in front in the mirror yesterday and thinking that I have gained more weight recently than I have in a very long time. In that moment I felt panicked and all I wanted was to lose some weight. I also felt conflicted because I am not comfortable with the old way of doing so. I felt afraid because I didn’t want to go back to the old story of the body is in charge of my life and I just have to find a way to control it from within the story, the right diet, the right exercise.
On the other hand, I am not completely convinced that I want to surrender this obsession with the body. I don’t know if I can trust this to God. How interested is He going to be in fashion and the image I present to others? Not at all, right? And it doesn’t help that Mooji is kind of a chubby guy himself. Proof that God doesn’t read GQ and Cosmopolitan. This is a problem.
Bear with me here. I am trying to work this out in my mind and can only do so if I am completely honest about my thoughts. I feel real fear at the thought that I turn over everything, completely surrender the self and become the follower, the instrument of supreme existence. On the other hand, I feel really shallow and a bit embarrassed that the sticking point is my body image. But I have to go there because that is where the ego grabs my attention and so it must be true for me at this moment.
I am also aware that I am receiving guidance about what I eat, and I am being guided away from heavy foods and a lot of meat. I have no idea why this matters at all, but then there are lots of things I don’t know, so no surprise there. I also know that I asked that my mind be healed about this business of the body and food. I want to be free of my life long obsession about food and how it affects my body as if my mind had nothing to do with it. Ever since then, nothing has worked the way it did before, and while that is good, it is also frightening to someone who is still attached to body image.
I cannot see myself returning to peace without full surrender. How this came up for me this morning is that as I read the lesson I realized that I am condemning myself. I feel guilty for my body image concerns and for not following clear guidance. I think I am wrong for that and other non-surrender thoughts come into my mind as the ego convinces me that body image is just the tip of the iceberg.
It is just a silly notion I can laugh at even while I guard it against God. There are other more serious ways in which I defend against God and the ego mind points them out so that I will know that it is useless for me to try to enter the door. I am too guilty; I am condemned and it will take me an untold amount of time to earn the right to enter that door. I feel so sad and so discouraged when I listen to that thought.
But I am not alone in my mind with the ego. I am with God. I share God’s thoughts. Some of them are rising up in my mind at my invitation. I see that I don’t have to undo each thought of separation. I don’t have to meet every thought that I am this separate self in control of life, with the desire to surrender. I only need to decide on surrender and all the thoughts of separation will cease to be meaningful. Thank you for that thought, God. Everything was very dark there for a moment and now the sun has come from behind the clouds and it is light again.
I am more certain than ever right now that I surrender this life to the supreme existence, and if I slip back into separate-self decisions, I am not going to condemn myself for it. I will just take Mooji’s words as my own. If they come, I will say, “Take it up with the boss, okay? I don’t deal with it anymore; it’s not my business anymore. I’ve handed myself in.” ~big smile~
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