V. The “Dynamics” of the Ego, P 8
9 The ego can and does allow you to regard yourself as supercilious, unbelieving, “light-hearted,” distant, emotionally shallow, callous, uninvolved and even desperate, but not really afraid. Minimizing fear, but not its undoing, is the ego’s constant effort, and is indeed a skill at which it is very ingenious. How can it preach separation without upholding it through fear, and would you listen to it if you recognized this is what it is doing?
Journal
I see that the ego never alleviates fear, but only minimizes it. The ego solution will make me less fearful. That is the best I can hope for with ego as my guide through life. I have a problem with the floor in my sanctuary and it needs to be fixed. The problem is that it is going to cost more money than I have. Even when I have the money, it will require that I find someone capable and willing to do the job.
When I thought about it with ego, the solutions I got were helpful in reducing my fear about this, but not in getting rid of the fear. The ego keeps me on edge; just when I think I have it under control, the ego brings up another problem, possible problem, some imagined future problem. Anything to keep the story going, but not enough to overwhelm me to the point that I seek a better way, that I turn to a true Answer.
This ego tactic used to work on me. I have, after a long time of vigilant practice, discovered that I don’t have to settle for this kind of half-hearted, misleading “help.” I got really worried when I was told how extensive the damage was and how much it was going to cost. I got more worried when I had trouble finding someone to do the work. But I have fallen out of the habit of consulting the ego mind for answers, so I asked Holy Spirit to guide me.
The Holy Spirit didn’t advise me on home repairs. He reminded me of my purpose, and I remembered that the peace of God is everything I want. He reminded me that I am surrendered to God and I let the fears and uncertainties go to Him. From this calm, peaceful state of mind, I had the thought to tell my brother what was going on. He said if I could be patient until he has time, he will come by and see what he can do.
He hasn’t had time yet, but I haven’t received any nudges from Spirit to do anything about it, so I wait. When I miss my sanctuary, and when I think it should be finished, I remember that I must be wrong. If it was supposed to be finished now, it would be finished now. I remember that if I keep looking into the future for the day I can be happy, then I will miss out on the present now, which is the only time I have. I remember that I don’t need anything in the world to be happy, that happiness is the result of a healed mind, not a repaired floor.
When I brought my floor problem to the ego, it advised me to find a specialist but to be careful or I would get cheated. It advised me to borrow money, but warned me that it would delay my retirement to take on another debt. It told me that if I could get this done and quickly, I would be so happy. Some of the advice might work, but all it was tinged with fear.
The Holy Spirit only sought to heal my mind, knowing it was my thoughts that were making me suffer. There is no fear in a healed mind, no impatience, no belief that if only the world were different happiness would be possible. The Holy Spirit never mentioned my floor, but gave me peace the moment I opened to it. I will enjoy my new floor when it is done, and I will enjoy this anxiety-free moment as well.
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