I. The Judgment of the Holy Spirit, P 2
2 The analysis of ego motivation is very complicated, very obscuring, and never without your own ego involvement. The whole process represents a clear-cut attempt to demonstrate your own ability to understand what you perceive. This is shown by the fact that you react to your interpretations as if they were correct. You may then control your reactions behaviorally, but not emotionally. This would obviously be a split or an attack on the integrity of your mind, pitting one level within it against another.
Journal
I am very aware of this ego process. Here is an example. I have a conversation with someone at work and it becomes heated. I think about what happened and I try to figure out why I said what I did and why they responded in the way they did. The ego interprets the conversation from both sides, and I believe what I think about it.
I reason that I now understand the motivations and so I attempt to correct the situation by controlling my reactions. Because there was not healing of the mind, and because I was still using the ego to solve the problem as I saw it, I may be able to control my reactions behaviorally, but not emotionally.
Two problems I anticipate are that the emotions will bubble out at some point. Maybe not right away, but eventually. At least that has been my experience. Jesus talks about the second, very serious problem; I have split my mind, pitting one level against another. This is an attack on the integrity of my mind. On an unconscious level this must be creating extreme unease. On a conscious level I am conflicted because I am doing what I don’t really want to do.
My experience has been that being aware of this mental process, I can stop it by asking for the Holy Spirit’s interpretation instead of the ego’s interpretation. This is very simple and easy to do and can occur in an instant, right in the middle of whatever chaos my unhealed mind has created. I also notice that I am becoming intolerant of lack of peace, so I really want to know the truth.
My sincere desire for healing can turn the situation around instantly. Or I can forget that I must give up conflict for all time, and I can stubbornly insist that the ego has the answer I want. It is entirely up to me. I am learning that the whole process represents a clear-cut attempt to demonstrate my own ability to understand what I perceive, and this is a lost cause with suffering the inevitable outcome. The more vigilant I become for this kind of self-deception, the easier it is to make the better choice.
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