V. The Sane Curriculum, P 1
1 Only love is strong because it is undivided. The strong do not attack because they see no need to do so. Before the idea of attack can enter your mind, you must have perceived yourself as weak. Because you attacked yourself and believed that the attack was effective, you behold yourself as weakened. No longer perceiving yourself and your brothers as equal, and regarding yourself as weaker, you attempt to “equalize” the situation you made. You use attack to do so because you believe that attack was successful in weakening you.
Journal
The idea of equalizing the situation really brought the problem of attack and defend into focus for me. I attack myself and so feel weak, and so have taught myself that attack makes weak. Now my brother and I are no longer equal, and I want us to be equal. I know that attack makes weak because I proved it when I attacked myself, so I attack the other in an effort to equalize the situation. And of course, I reinforce the idea that attack is a viable tool.
So what does this look like in my life? Here is something that used to happen at work all the time. I never felt like I was enough, that I worked hard enough, that I did enough, that I did it well enough. I felt like my boss was a constant threat to me, because he could affect my salary and even my job itself. He seemed to have all the power. In an effort to equalize the situation I was always finding fault with him. At least in my mind, and sometimes in conversation, I would point out all his flaws.
In fact, none of this was true. I did a good job and I worked hard. He appreciated me and he was a good man. The company had many excellent policies and was generous in their pay. There was nothing to equalize and my attacks on him and the company were not warranted. Sure, he had his moments in which he reacted from his own fear, and so did I, but he was not against me. It was all a war of my own making that came from the untrue thoughts in my mind.
Here is what changed. I began to undo the idea of guilt. I stopped making myself guilty all the time. (Still a work in progress.) Without these guilt attacks on myself I stopped feeling less than. I began to understand that God is my Source in all things, that I am sustained, not by man, not by my job, not by my boss, but by God.
As my mind healed, my self worth was no longer in question and my self attacks ended (or lessened a great deal) and so there was no need to equalize the situation. Also, as my mind healed, I stopped thinking of attack as a viable tool, and began to see love as the healing balm that soothed all upsets.
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