VII. Looking Within, P 13
13 Remember, then, that whenever you look without and react unfavorably to what you see, you have judged yourself unworthy and have condemned yourself to death. The death penalty is the ego’s ultimate goal, for it fully believes that you are a criminal, as deserving of death as God knows you are deserving of life. The death penalty never leaves the ego’s mind, for that is what it always reserves for you in the end. Wanting to kill you as the final expression of its feeling for you, it lets you live but to await death. It will torment you while you live, but its hatred is not satisfied until you die. For your destruction is the one end toward which it works, and the only end with which it will be satisfied.
Journal
I always thought Jesus was exaggerating about the ego wanting to kill me. Or maybe that used to be true but isn’t anymore. At any rate, I resisted this idea and so simply ignored it. Lately, I have reconsidered. I see that it is true. Inevitably, we bring ourselves to death, and if we listen to the ego a lot, and believe what the ego says, the stress of doing this brings us to death sooner.
It becomes even clearer that the ego wants me dead as my mind continues to heal, and as I have started thinking that awakening is not only possible but inevitable. When even minor problems nag at me, I have noticed thoughts of death in my mind. It is the desperate attempt of the ego to kill me before I can awaken.
It might sound like this: “I will never get free of this problem. My only escape is death.” It is such a ridiculous and blatant attempt that even in my most confused I know what is happening, and I can only shake my head at the ego determination to claim me. The first time this happened, I finally understood what Jesus means when he says that the ego wants me dead, and I understand why. Awakening is the end of the ego’s ever weakening control. If it brings me to death before I can awaken, the dream continues and that is the ego’s purpose, and the ego is very single minded about its purpose.
I also understand more clearly that the ego mind does believe in my guilt, and does believe I deserve the death penalty for my sins. If I identify with ego, I believe this about myself. That is why I must continue my vigilance for mind watching. I notice thoughts that are not the thoughts I think with God and I know they are not true thoughts so I want them gone.
Once I have asked for healing I focus my mind on the true thoughts. I think about my reality as God’s Son. I think about my holiness and my oneness. I remind myself that the peace of God is my only goal. It is my one purpose. I allow the real thoughts about myself to rise up in my mind and fill me with truth until there is no room for ego ideas.
I go through this process as often as needed. I don’t need it as often as I used to and it is easier each time because I have learned to recognize the ego as the false idol it is, and I know I want to reject it. I am becoming as single minded as the ego. Remembering that I have one goal, one purpose is helping me to let go of the dream I am separated from my brother and from my Creator.
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