VIII. The Attraction of Love for Love, P 5
5 You have but to ask for this memory, and you will remember. Yet the memory of God cannot shine in a mind that has obliterated it and wants to keep it so. For the memory of God can dawn only in a mind that chooses to remember, and that has relinquished the insane desire to control reality. You who cannot even control yourself should hardly aspire to control the universe. But look upon what you have made of it, and rejoice that it is not so.
Journal
First Jesus tells us that we can have the memory of God simply by asking for it. Then he explains why we don’t have it. We obliterated that memory and we want to keep things the way they are. We want to keep our separate-self story going. We want to be that self and tell ourselves that we made this world and we control it.
That is what this is all about. I am Myron for better and for worse. I even take some kind of perverse pleasure in the worst, vying with my brothers to be more screwed up than them. Don’t try to tell me how perfect I am, I will just argue for my shortcomings, all the while trying to keep the world in balance as I secretly imagine that I am at least better than you.
I behold my kingdom and I strive daily to maintain this kingdom, to keep it going, to keep the drama and the comedy and the tragedies alive and active. Just ask me and I will tell you how to fix your problems and how the politicians should be doing their jobs. I will tell you the best way to deal with morning sickness and why it is we have more cancer now than in the past.
It doesn’t deter me at all that my advice changes by the day and sometimes by the hour. It doesn’t shake my belief that I am in control to see the whole world going to hell in a handbasket. I have a problem? I judge the problem and then I find solutions. You have a problem? I’ll do the same thing for you. Are you spiritual? My spiritual ego has the words to make my advice sound spiritual.
Everyone is my enemy but forewarned is forearmed, and I have many defenses at my disposal. I have spent my life collecting these defenses and learning how to wield them to best advantage. A sharp word here, a pretended humbleness there. I learned how to run away, how to divorce myself from my problems, how to hide from them and how to put them away and pretend they don’t exist. I learned very well, too well, how to project them onto someone else in an effort to be rid of them. I have learned to pretend that they are then gone.
All the world is a projection of yesterday and all the days before it. All the problems as I perceive them are past problems I have projected onto today. All the solutions are past solutions formed to look like something new and projected onto today. We know this deep inside and justify it by saying things like we need to study history so we don’t repeat it. Then we repeat it.
I am going to stop doing all this. I am going to stop using the ego mind to judge each situation and then, based that judgment, deciding what the solution must be. I am practicing doing it differently. Now I am asking the Holy Spirit to judge the situation first, and based on that judgment, I am allowing His solution to show itself to me.
I have begun to believe that in my defenselessness my safety lies. I am learning that when I defend myself I increase my fear. When my fear is greater, my defenses seem every more important. I feel like I need to defend against all this fear, and the belief in this fear calls for new and ever more elaborate defenses. And on and on the endless cycle goes. But I have invited in a higher power to overturn the ego’s regime and I am learning to look at the fears without defense and let them be undone for me.
I am learning to notice when my mind is in the past and then resting it in God. This is a baby step toward freedom from the illusion of separation and control, but it seems to be necessary that I start here. I cannot surrender this insane belief I can control the world until I stop bringing the past into the present, thus insuring the future will remain equally insane. I want a new, fresh present moment, and I want to be aware of it. So I have to get my head out of my… past.
I am becoming convinced that the world I made is not worth saving, that it has no value at all. I am becoming convinced that the self I made is worthless as well. All of it is without meaning of any kind, and completely without value. I am slowly and gently letting it go. What will the world look like without fear and guilt projected onto it? What will I look like without Myron projected onto me? How will I live in the world while I remain here? Who will I be, and how will I feel if not like Myron?
I don’t know the answer to these questions but I want to find out.
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