II. THE GUILTLESS SON OF GOD, P 2
2 Yet consider how strange a solution the ego’s arrangement is. You project guilt to get rid of it, but you are actually merely concealing it. You do experience the guilt, but you have no idea why. On the contrary, you associate it with a weird assortment of “ego ideals,” which the ego claims you have failed. Yet you have no idea that you are failing the Son of God by seeing him as guilty. Believing you are no longer you, you do not realize that you are failing yourself.
Journal
What a mess this is! I don’t know who I am. I think I am Myron and all that entails, part of which is a deep seated belief in my unworthiness. Thus there is a lot of guilt in my mind, and when that guilt becomes too apparent I try to get rid of it by projecting it onto someone else. This used to make me feel better for awhile because I thought I was rid of it. What I learned is that the guilt was not gone, just hidden, and I was left with uneasiness that I didn’t understand or know what to do with.
Even now that I understand what is going on, the desire to project guilt is very strong. Part of it is habit, and I suspect that part is desperation and fear. Becoming free of guilt, even though it is not complete freedom, makes the guilt I do feel all the more painful. What I know is that I can let go of guilt. I have done it in many areas of my life, and it is just a matter of desire to release it altogether. My desire grows daily.
In the meantime, I do what I can and what I know works. I notice the belief in guilt and I ask for another way to see. I remind myself that above all else, I want to see differently. I remind myself that I am not alone in my efforts, that my efforts are heavily reinforced. One thing that motivates me very strongly is that that I am not doing this for Myron, though that is how I experience it. I am doing this for the Sonship, and my every effort helps the Family of God awaken to the truth.
As a minister of God, I teach through the words given me, but I teach even more effectively through my healed mind that reflects as my healed life. As guilt falls away in my mind, the ego is being undone and this becomes apparent to those who are ready to see it. There is nothing like demonstration to teach, and that is my function, first to accept the Atonement for myself, and then to be the Atonement in action so that I motivate others to desire it for themselves.
(Hmm. I had never thought of it quite like that before, and as I read what I wrote I wondered if that was true. I sat with it for a moment to allow Spirit to correct me if necessary, but all I felt was a warmth around my heart at the thought of helping my brothers as I help myself. It felt uplifting and joyful, so I am leaving it as I wrote it.)
If someone were to ask me how I handle guilt, I would say that first I learn to recognize it in all its forms, some of which are subtle. If I wish something or someone were different, then I am judging and thus making guilty. If I am sad because of someone or something, I have judged and thus made guilty. There are a lot of ways guilt shows up, fear and worry, for example. Becoming proficient at recognizing these ways helps me to do this work.
The next thing I do is notice if being aware of guilt is making me feel afraid or guilty for being guilty. Then I remind myself that I am just looking, not guilty. Looking is my job, and looking with the Holy Spirit is the means of healing the mind of the belief in guilt. If I become impatient that nothing seems to be happening, or if it is happening too slowly, I remind myself that this is just another way of saying I am guilty. “Let it go. Just let it go, Myron.” It is counterproductive to become guilty about undoing guilt.
My part is to acknowledge guilt, to look at it with the Holy Spirit, to desire freedom from guilt and to give the Holy Spirit permission to heal it in my mind, then to accept that healing. My behavior is just a picture of where I am in the healing process. I don’t try to change the picture, I just go back to the source of the problem, that is, what I am choosing to believe. I change my mind as many times as it takes.
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