II. THE GUILTLESS SON OF GOD, P 5
5 In the calm light of truth, let us recognize that you believe you have crucified God’s Son. You have not admitted to this “terrible” secret because you would still wish to crucify him if you could find him. Yet the wish has hidden him from you because it is very fearful, and so you are afraid to find him. You have handled this wish to kill yourself by not knowing who you are, and identifying with something else. You have projected guilt blindly and indiscriminately, but you have not uncovered its source. For the ego does want to kill you, and if you identify with it you must believe its goal is yours.
Journal
I have family members who are atheists, and I often think that they have put themselves in a bad place. They don’t know God and so don’t know themselves. This is very frightening even if they don’t understand the cause of the unease. More frightening perhaps, since they are uneasy but don’t know why. But really, are they any different than me? I say I believe in God, but do I know God? And if I don’t know God, I don’t know myself. The only difference perhaps is that I know there is a problem.
As I understand this, Jesus says that we tell ourselves that we don’t know who we are and that we are afraid to know. Instead we claim a different identity, we identify with something else. That something else is the ego, and the ego wants to kill us. We are the Son of God, and so we, in effect, identifying with the ego, believe we want to kill our self. This has caused a great deal of fear and guilt which we project blindly and indiscriminately, never understanding why, really.
So whether I believe in God or am an atheist, I still suffer from an identity crisis. And I also suffer from hidden but intense guilt and fear. Happiness, peace, innocence and freedom are antithesis to me. I may not remember why I am guilty, but I am aware of the guilt. I cannot possibly be worthy of these lofty aspirations. Instead I spend my life in an effort to crucify the Son of God.
That seems pretty harsh, but if I examine my life carefully I see that it must be true. I see evidence of unworthiness. I see a heart black with guilt, and I witness the futile effort to rid myself of the resultant guilt through self-punishment, or through projection. No wonder I deny what Jesus has to say about my innocence and about God’s love for me. Who am I to accept these gifts? Who is this God that gives without condition? I don’t know either God or His Son.
I have been studying and practicing the Course, though. I have been slowly giving up the source of this all pervasive guilt, and even more slowly I have come to believe in a God of Love even if I have not yet completely accepted that this love is for me. Each time I see guilt in the mind, and each time that I deny its reality, I come closer to remembering who I am and accepting God as my Father. Through the denial of guilt in all its forms I am learning to deny the ego rather than God.
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