IV. The Function of Time, P 4
4 The ego has a strange notion of time, and it is with this notion that your questioning might well begin. The ego invests heavily in the past, and in the end believes that the past is the only aspect of time that is meaningful. Remember that its emphasis on guilt enables it to ensure its continuity by making the future like the past, and thus avoiding the present. By the notion of paying for the past in the future, the past becomes the determiner of the future, making them continuous without an intervening present. For the ego regards the present only as a brief transition to the future, in which it brings the past to the future by interpreting the present in past terms.
Journal
I must believe in guilt for the ego to continue to exist. I keep guilt in place by keeping the past alive in my mind. I have noticed that my mind is filled with guilty thoughts of things that occurred in the past; times when I spoke harshly, gossiped, behaved badly, was unkind and uncaring. I barely blink at the present because I am obsessed with the past.
The thought that keeps the ego in place is that if only I can be good enough now, I will compensate for the bad I did before. All the time, I am reinforcing the past, reinforcing the belief that I sinned and am therefore bad. Who has time for a present when I am so busy looking back. Where is my mind? If it is not in the now moment, I am not in the now moment, and if I am not there, it does not exist for me. If I am looking at a sinful self, I am, in my mind, guilty and therefore the ego continues to exist for me. Clever ego.
I am ready to question my use of time. I have always thought time was for the purpose of preserving the past and for keeping the ego self in place. The ego sees the present as a time to interpret the present in past terms. For instance, I have someone at work who seems difficult to me and I think this is a problem. Why? Because she is like someone I used to know and the other person was a problem. It took awhile for me to let that past grievance go, and so it will take awhile for me to let this one go. Looking at it with more clarity, I see that I have brought the past into the future by deciding on things according to what happened before. I even remember thinking, “Oh no, not this again.”
I think, though, that I may have been wrong and perhaps there is another use for time. I will begin the new practice by noticing the mind’s tendency to wander into the past, and bring it back to the present. In this case, I will notice when I am judging and will look with fresh eyes on what is before me, rather than corrupting the present by comparing her to what used to be before me. I have approached this idea before, and it failed because I was not ready. I had so much guilt in my mind that I did not think I was worth this consistent effort. It seemed too much and after trying for a while, I let my mind have its way.
I think now that I am ready to do this. I am ready to approach this issue again, and this time from the perspective of the ego attempt to continue to exist. It is not my guilt that must be undone, but the ego belief in my guilt. I cannot be guilty because I was not created guilty. This is equally true of my coworker. I am simply looking at a tiny mad idea and remembering to laugh at it. I know this can be done. I know I can do it. I feel resistance as I say this, but it is not my resistance, only the ego’s. I am not the ego; I am God’s holy Son.
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