IV. The Function of Time P 2
2 Yet neither oblivion nor hell is as unacceptable to you as Heaven. Your definition of Heaven is hell and oblivion, and the real Heaven is the greatest threat you think you could experience. For hell and oblivion are ideas that you made up, and you are bent on demonstrating their reality to establish yours. If their reality is questioned, you believe that yours is. For you believe that attack is your reality, and that your destruction is the final proof that you were right.
Journal
Good grief. What am I supposed to say to this? I think that attack is my salvation so that means I think attack is Heaven. That war is Heaven. It doesn’t seem so, but if I examine my life, I see that this has always been true. Even now I will sometimes have trouble letting go of a grievance. I obviously think that I need to defend myself and it would be hell to be left facing this one without defense.
What Jesus is showing me is that I feel this way when I focus on the story. The story is designed to prove that attack and defense are justified. So when I look at the story I am going to believe in the necessity of attack. But if I look away from the story, and focus instead on what it represents, I will gain the clarity I need to make a different choice.
When I was feeling defensive at work, I kept looking at my fellow employee and seeing her actions and her words which were clearly an attack on me. From that perspective I could not see any alternative except to defend myself. When I would ask for another way to see it, I would hear that I was to just love her and according to my understanding of the situation, that made no sense at all. It did not solve my problem as I saw it, so I just kept defending myself.
When I let go of my interpretation of the problem, what I could suddenly see is that I was keeping myself in hell with my thoughts. I was miserable, and I kept blaming her for my misery. But when I stopped thinking about the story of Myron and her co-worker and started thinking about forgiveness, all I could see was that we were two Sons of God dreaming of destruction and I had a chance to wake us up. It would be insane not to take that opportunity.
I think of her now and wonder what she looks like in reality. What does pure Love and pure Godness look like? I want only to love her and help her. I wonder if I could experience myself dissolve into her and return to oneness if I could let go of my hold on the dream long enough to imagine that. Could I let go of the world of form to return to whatever we are in essence? At least in my imagination? Could I at least taste that memory for just a moment, or just an instant?
What was the story about? We were attacking each other about something or another? I can’t remember and who cares? It’s ridiculous anyway.
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