VII. Attainment of the Real World, P 11
11 Everything the ego tells you that you need will hurt you. For although the ego urges you again and again to get, it leaves you nothing, for what you get it will demand of you. And even from the very hands that grasped it, it will be wrenched and hurled into the dust. For where the ego sees salvation it sees separation, and so you lose whatever you have gotten in its name. Therefore ask not of yourself what you need, for you do not know, and your advice to yourself will hurt you. For what you think you need will merely serve to tighten up your world against the light, and render you unwilling to question the value that this world can really hold for you.
Journal
When I was younger I felt an emptiness in me, and a compelling desire to fill it. I had spent my life up until that time believing in fairytales. I believed I was waiting for Prince Charming to ride in on his big white horse and save me from my aloneness. When that was done, I was sure I would be fulfilled and this empty feeling would go away. So, forever unwilling to wait, I set about finding my prince. I had in my mind the qualities I thought would make him perfect and when I found him I pursued him with grim determination until I got him.
There were so many things wrong with that plan I don’t even know where to start. But suffice it to say that the ego was running the whole thing, and that is never a good thing. I did not feel fulfilled, there was still an emptiness in me, and an ego goal and grim determination do not guarantee you will like what you get. I did not understand at the time why my plan didn’t work so I tried the same plan over and over only to fail each time. Sure, I got the prince I was after, but the plan to save myself in the relationship never worked.
The ego mind formed the plan and carried it out with precision, and it promised me fulfillment. For a time I would enjoy the feeling of being in love and my thoughts were so fixated on the other and on my emotions that I thought I was happy and had what I needed. But as time went on and the initial, “I am so in love” feeling began to fade, I realized that being with another body just isn’t enough to fill up that emptiness. Then the projection would begin and it would seem to me like the other was not my savior, but my problem. And so I would start over in my quest. Special relationships is just one way that the ego offers everything and then snatches it away.
When A Course in Miracles came into my life, I began to understand that the empty feeling was the longing for God. Slowly I began to change as I let more thoughts be healed, and as I allowed in more God. I stopped trying to get my needs met by others and began to give others the love that I discovered in me. That love does not diminish with time, but grows within me. The more I give away, the more I have to give. I didn’t have to find anyone to get this love and I only lose awareness of it when I return to listening to the ego instead of the Voice for God.
The contrast between the ego driven quest of fulfillment and the Holy Spirit’s gentle and loving guidance was so sharp that I realized I wanted to stop asking the ego for advice. I wanted the Holy Spirit to be my advisor in everything. Instead of asking the ego what I should do to be happy, I began to ask the Holy Spirit what He would have me do now. I would ask Him what He wanted me to know about any particular situation. I am sometimes confused about where He is taking me as it is not always apparent. But I give as much trust as I can and I try hard to resist that still present, but fading, desire to be in control.
What I have discovered is that what God gives is truly given. It cost me nothing and it is never snatched away as inevitably happens with the ego’s “gifts.” What I receive from the Holy Spirit is mine for as long as I need it, and it never hurts me. He gives truly and generously out of abundance. If something is suddenly gone, I know that I no longer need it, though I sometimes become confused and think I have lost something. But eventually I realize what really happened, that person or thing or circumstance is no longer needed, and I’ve learned to wait in happy anticipation to see each of my needs met in this perfect way.
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