VII. Attainment of the Real World, P 3
3 You do not really want the world you see, for it has disappointed you since time began. The homes you built have never sheltered you. The roads you made have led you nowhere, and no city that you built has withstood the crumbling assault of time. Nothing you made but has the mark of death upon it. Hold it not dear, for it is old and tired and ready to return to dust even as you made it. This aching world has not the power to touch the living world at all. You could not give it that, and so although you turn in sadness from it, you cannot find in it the road that leads away from it into another world.
Journal
I am turning from this world, but Jesus, do I really do so in sadness? I want very much to find my way home. I want to look around and see the light and beauty that is the real world reinterpreted by the Holy Spirit. I want to look at each person and each place, at each thing and see only God expressed. I want to respond to what I see with joy and I want the peace of God, uninterrupted. So what is it that I find so important, of so much value that I would choose it instead?
As I think of this I let my mind wander to yesterday. I notice the times I felt happy. I was sitting with my boss and thinking what a kind man he is and how happy I am I finally chose to see that in him. Another time, I joined with two coworkers to discover the answer to a sticky problem. I felt so pleased to just be in their company and I felt our unity. Another time I was at the bank and a teller I was not using took the time to speak to me and seemed happy to see me, and I took the time to look into her eyes and I knew there was a joining
These were little things, but as I look on the day, it was moments like these that made it a happy day. They were moments of union, of shared purpose and of gratitude. So what happened during the day to pull me out of peace? Well, I feel myself being annoyed at a coworker and saying something “funny” about her to another coworker. As we laughed the day felt a little darker. Another time, an error was made and I saw the error and felt superior that I did so, and pointed to the error, and I lost the sense of union that is so essential to my happiness and peace.
I was grudging in my kindness at the restaurant because of judgments that I was making. I had a moment of thinking my boss was foolish in his decision, and another of wondering if someone else was silently judging me. I had a couple of times of thinking that my son needs to do something he is not doing and to stop other behaviors and felt really dark and heavy. I texted him advice but felt uncertain that I was doing so with guidance. I was definitely taking advice, but was it from Holy Spirit or was it from ego?
These little moments in the day point to what it is I value more than Heaven. It seems I would rather be well thought of, secure in my job, and feel superior, than to feel the touch of God. I would rather laugh at a coworker and gossip, I would rather judge than love, and I would rather accept the fearful ego interpretation of my sweet son than to let Holy Spirit show me his beautiful essence. I would rather act out of fear than to rest in trust and certainty.
How very strange it is to see the things I value over my joy and peace. I am grateful that I can see this so clearly because for most of my life I was oblivious. Now that I see it, I can change it. In fact, I see that scale is tipping. I was much more accepting and loving than I was judgmental, and though I did have moments of fear for my son, I had many more of faith and trust and certainty. Some days I wonder if I will spend eternity in this messy hell that I made, and those are dark days indeed. But those days are the exception now, as I am learning to love the light.
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