III. The Fear of Redemption, P 5
5 You can accept insanity because you made it, but you cannot accept love because you did not. You would rather be a slave of the crucifixion than a Son of God in redemption. Your individual death seems more valuable than your living oneness, for what is given you is not so dear as what you made. You are more afraid of God than of the ego, and love cannot enter where it is not welcome. But hatred can, for it enters of its own volition and cares not for yours.
Journal
What Jesus is telling us here is pretty clear. We made the ego so we treasure it above what God made. We will suffer and die rather than give up what we made. Ego imposes its beliefs, but Love cannot enter where it is not welcome. I see that and I accept it. It is amazing to me that I still choose crucifixion over redemption. And yet I see it in its subtlety, and in its brazenness alike.
I have someone in my life who is very competitive and who challenges me constantly. When I am in my right mind, I know this for the fear that it is. But I am not always in my right mind, and on those occasions I want to defend myself. I want to return the attack and at the very least, I think attack thoughts at her. I have been using the Rules for Decision to shift this in my mind, and I am certain that I will do so. In the meantime I am in this little private hell that I made with my beliefs. I am so enamored with my own “creation” that I cling to it even as it hurts me. Crazy.
It is just this kind of thing that Jesus is talking about. We begin with the belief that it would be interesting to experience separation, to be alone in mind. And from that idea, the world of illusion unfolds, and separation thoughts explode from the decision to experience separation. These ideas take form for our viewing pleasure, and through the power of our mind, we imagine we are having a real experience of it. We feel, and sense in every way, a world of our own making based on our own laws. And we love it. It is ours.
Now it is time for me and for you to leave behind this strange and limiting idea, and to return to our Divinity. This is possible because it is only a dream and so we choose to wake up and we do. It seems that we must not shock ourselves with a sudden awakening, that we must back out of our little kingdom slowly, and that is what the Course is for. It is helping us to let go of the illusion and to remember the truth of our being.
So when I notice that I feel angry toward this contrary person in my life, I recognize that I must have been using the ego mind to experience her. Using the simple steps in the Rules for Decision, I change my mind. I start listening to the Truth in my mind, to the Holy Spirit, and as I am ready, my angry separation thoughts give way to love. I have taken a step toward Awakening.
This step feels so much better that I want to take another. So I watch my mind for opportunities, and when I see fear or guilt, anger or depression, any of the separation reactions, I begin the process again. Each step enlightens my mind a little more, and so there is less darkness and I see more clearly. I am walking Home as I make these new choices and the more often I make them, the faster I walk. One of these days I am going to run into Love, throw myself into It with abandon! Oh yes!
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