III. The Fear of Redemption
1 You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent. You may also think that it would be easy enough for the Holy Spirit to show it to you, and to dispel it without the need for you to raise it to awareness yourself. Yet there is one more obstacle you have interposed between yourself and the Atonement. We have said that no one will countenance fear if he recognizes it. Yet in your disordered state of mind you are not afraid of fear. You do not like it, but it is not your desire to attack that really frightens you. You are not seriously disturbed by your hostility. You keep it hidden because you are more afraid of what it covers. You could look even upon the ego’s darkest cornerstone without fear if you did not believe that, without the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more. You are not really afraid of crucifixion. Your real terror is of redemption.
Journal
I really hate it when Jesus talks about this. I accept that he must be right, but I don’t feel like I am afraid of redemption, and I don’t want to think that I am. So Ithought about it anyway. What am I afraid that redemption would take from me? Well, I wouldn’t have anyone to blame when I felt guilty. Of course, when redemption is complete I won’t feel guilty, but what about on the way to redemption?
I say I want to give up guilt forever, even the belief it could exist. But I notice that in the midst of an ego storm, I still run for cover under the leaky roof of guilt. I have been upset about changes at work, and what I see is that I keep telling stories about the guilty ones who are causing the changes. Sigh. At least I have begun to accept that this is happening. I am withdrawing blame and, using the Rules for Decision, I am undoing the mess I made of it by asking the ego what it meant.
Defense and attack find a place in my mind, still. I defend my image of Myron. I defend myself against love. I defend myself against too much closeness. I defend myself against lack and loss. I attack anyone or anything that seems to invade these areas of my life. I justify my attack however I need to. So I must treasure defense and attack more than I treasure redemption.
I would have to give up my sense of an individual self. I would have to let Myron go, and the things about her that make her unique, and with her, all the interesting stories of Myron. Would that be so bad? I talk to people like Cate Grieves who has done this and they seem very happy without their old self to hang onto. But I seem strangely attached to Myron in spite of her problems and her suffering. Weird.
I have also noticed the things that I used to think I couldn’t live without, only to discover that I don’t miss them now that I have let them go. I used to think I needed to be sick a lot. I used to think there was some value in anger and fear and I held tight to them … until I didn’t. I can vaguely remember jealousy as something to use, and I remember when hatred used to seem important to me. Some of all this comes back into my mind, and sometimes I respond to it. But I no longer believe that I want to keep any of this. So maybe that means I am not as afraid of redemption as I used to be. Of course I haven’t even looked at the fear of God.
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