II. THE GUILTLESS SON OF GOD, P 7
7 This course has explicitly stated that its goal for you is happiness and peace. Yet you are afraid of it. You have been told again and again that it will set you free, yet you sometimes react as if it is trying to imprison you. You often dismiss it more readily than you dismiss the ego’s thought system. To some extent, then, you must believe that by not learning the course you are protecting yourself. And you do not realize that it is only your guiltlessness that can protect you.
Journal
My immediate thought was that this could not be true for me anymore. Surely, I am not afraid of peace and happiness. I know this used to be true, but not now. I am not resisting the Course, I don’t think it is imprisoning me. I want this and I practice it and make it part of my life so this could not possibly apply to me. Sigh. Then I asked Jesus how this applies to me.
I was resistant to this but I also wanted to look at it. So Jesus helped me out by doing this slowly, a step at a time. He knows I learn from concrete examples so he used one that has been in my life for a long time. First he reminded me of today’s lesson in which I included a conversation with Holy Spirit about body image. Then he brought my attention to the thoughts I had this morning about my body. I had to shop for clothes yesterday and this brought to my attention that I have gained more weight than I realized. I had to buy a larger size.
As I looked in the mirror I thought about losing weight and I felt my familiar confusion about what that means. Should I even care? If so, does trying to lose weight through adjusting my eating habits make sense? After all, this is a matter of beliefs being projected outward. Shouldn’t I focus on changing my beliefs, and if so, how do I do that? I am not happy and I am not at peace.
So then Jesus directed me to this paragraph again. As I read it, I realized that I did not really want an answer about how to see this body image problem. I don’t want to be told that it is not important. Not even if accepting it as not important would bring me back to peace and happiness. I don’t want to be imprisoned in this bigger body, so the words of the Course seem to be imprisoning me.
And what does this have to do with guilt anyway? Well, when I asked, I realized that I feel guilty for being overweight and guilty for caring, and guilty for wanting to change that and guilty for resisting a different way to see. Ok. I see the guilt. Ha ha. So what is next, Jesus? What do you want me to notice now? I was then brought to something Cate Grieves posted on her Timeline and I shared on mine because it felt so meaningful to me, and yet was something I resist. Here is what it said.
“The lack of everything – money, love, friends, health is caused by the mind believing there is a “self” that “cannot have something it wants.”
Ok, this applies. I believe that I lack a body image that appeals to me and so I think I cannot have something I want. More importantly, I think there is a “self” that wants this, and that is the real problem. I believe in that self and think it is me. Then she said:
“The self we think we are doesn’t exist. It’s made up by the mind. So on the chance you actually get more of what you want, the mind will go straight back into belief of lack. Because the mind (ego) is the cause. The belief that there is a you that needs something is the cause.”
Oh man. Talk about conflicted thinking! I know this is true. I understand this. I don’t want it to be true, and yet I do want it to be true. Yikes! Ok, this self I think of as me, which includes the body of Myron, is not me. I made it up, body and all, as well as the belief that it cannot have what it thinks it wants. As long as I keep the belief in lack, it will continue to manifest in this story of Myron, including in the body of Myron.
I know this is true because I have watched it occur over and over throughout this lifetime. I don’t want this to be true because it would mean I would have to look at the body thing differently, and I just want to go on a diet and lose weight. I want it to be true because if it is, I might can learn to see differently and this lifetime problem will be over, and I will be free of it, and happy and peaceful. See my problem? I am conflicted.
Cate ends this message in this way.
“If there was no story of “you” needing anything, everything would be just provided in this moment and the unchangeable awareness that is you, would be still and happy and just expressing love. Because there is nothing to do or get.”
And my one track ego mind skips the whole wonderful true me and the thought that comes from it is, “Does this mean I will be thinner or that I will have to be fat?” Holy cow. What a mind that ego is. Missed the point, Myron? But I see that I really want what is offered in that last paragraph. I want to be free of the belief in lack. I want to feel like and respond from, the true self. I want to live as my true self, so I am willing to do this. How do I do it, Jesus?
The next thought that comes into my mind from Jesus is to use the Rules for Decision. I feel some strong resistance to this and I know that it is because this will make a real difference and I am still not certain I want this change. At least I am still conflicted about it. I still want it and don’t want it. But I am going to do it anyway. So here goes.
When I look in the mirror I feel dissatisfied and unhappy. I feel judged and found wanting and I want to change the mirror image until it is something that makes me feel worthy. I recognize that this assessment is coming from the ego mind. This means I asked the ego for its judgment. As usual the ego finds me guilty and I have accepted its judgment of guilt.
But I remember that I don’t want to judge the situation because I don’t want to set the rules about how I react to it. As long as I decide what this image in the mirror means and what it is for, I will react in a certain way. I will have made up my mind and then asked what I should do. That is when I get the thought that this image means I lack and am unworthy. From that judgment, I decide the thing to do is to lose weight and so feel worthy again.
I recognize this as ego, and I have tried this solution so often that I know for sure it is going to work only briefly, if at all. So now I am going change my mind to something that will work. I am going to cancel this judgment, and I am going to ask the Holy Spirit to advise me, rather than listening to ego. Jesus says to do this step by step and not to skip any of them.
The first step, the cancellation, says this:
I have no question. I forgot what to decide.
I thought I knew the question, based on the ego judgment. The question was, what do I change to get the appearance that I want? But I am cancelling out that question because I forgot to decide to ask the Holy Spirit for his interpretation of the problem.
The next step is very gentle and non-confrontational.
At least I can decide I do not like what I feel now.
As I sit with that idea, I realize how true it is. I feel bad about myself. I feel unworthy and helpless. I feel like the situation is hopeless because I never solve it for more than a short period of time. I feel like a failure and I feel guilty. No, I don’t like how I feel.
The next step is also easy, and is a natural progression from the previous step.
And so I hope I have been wrong.
I sit with that one, too, and I see that I can say this and believe it. I do hope I have been wrong about how I see this. The only way I can feel better is if I have been wrong. It is a small step but it does open me to the possibility of something else.
The next step is a further opening to something else, another small step in that direction.
I want another way to look at this.
Right now I think my problem is how much I weigh. I think that what I see in the mirror defines me and not in a good way. I think that I am in a hopeless situation. But I don’t like how this makes me feel and so I hope I have been wrong about this assessment. I want another way to look at this. Yes, I really do want another way, though looking in the mirror I can’t think what that would be. Still, if there is another way, I want it.
The next step doesn’t ask me to be certain or even to understand. It only asks that I take a step through the small opening I have made in my mind.
Perhaps there is another way to look at this. What can I lose by asking?
I sat with this and I realized that Jesus is asking for just a small willingness, a little bit of trust that he knows what he is doing and that he wants me to be happy. He doesn’t want me to sacrifice anything, just to consider that I am wrong about what I think the sacrifice would be.
I am not going to think about this too much, because the ego mind would like to draw me back in to the habitual way of thinking, and that does not make me happy. I am willing to consider that not only am I not guilty for the body I have projected, but that I have never been guilty. I am willing to believe there is another way to see this and that it would be good for me to know what that is.
I am also going to do the Rules for Decision on the idea that there is no “me” that needs anything, being a scary thought. I have been very attached to the idea of a self that wants and a self that cannot have. I accept as a concept that I made this up and that there is a “me” that is real, but I am uncertain about what this feels like if fully known as reality. I tell myself that this is not a problem. I know I am not the ego. I know that I am spirit. But I act like an ego, and I often live my life in fear, guilt and lack, so I have not let that little self go. I am going to explore that fear as well.
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