VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity, P8
8 It is easy to distinguish grandeur from grandiosity, because love is returned and pride is not. Pride will not produce miracles, and will therefore deprive you of the true witnesses to your reality. Truth is not obscure nor hidden, but its obviousness to you lies in the joy you bring to its witnesses, who show it to you. They attest to your grandeur, but they cannot attest to pride because pride is not shared. God wants you to behold what He created because it is His joy.
Journal
I used to believe the ego when it told me I was less than others. This was the lie most familiar to me and the one I found easiest to believe. So when the ego offered me grandiosity, it was a nice change and so I would readily accept it. It was harder for me to believe so I would look for proof to sustain the belief. When I would receive compliments I would see this as the proof I needed, and when none came I would be devastated.
In order to accept grandiosity, I had to see someone else as less than and that is an attack on that one, and also on me because I had to believe we were separate in order to do this. Here is an example. When I first started teaching I would ask Spirit to speak through me and the student would like what he heard. He would remark on how helpful I was, and I would feel pride.
I would be relieved because I was so unsure of myself and I compared myself to other teachers who seemed so much better than me. So this offering of grandiosity felt like a real boon to me, but it was always followed by the ego’s other offering, littleness. I would realize that I had taken the Holy Spirit’s credit, even if it were only in my mind. I would feel guilty for that and afraid.
I would feel bad because my need to be “better than” was an attack on every other teacher. It was like I was standing on them in order to appear bigger. I felt depressed because I was teaching myself that separation is real and that the only way to succeed in the world is to hurt others, or at least to be seen as better than others. I wasn’t allowing myself to be aware of all this, but I knew it. We always know what is happening even as we hide that knowledge from ourselves. As with all ego gifts, the grandiosity came with a high price tag.
I kept doing the work though, and my mind was healed more and more. Now when I teach and I receive compliments, I know that Holy Spirit came through me clearly. I am so grateful for that, and so pleased to be doing my part. I don’t need to be better than anyone else. I just need to do what I am guided to do, and each other teacher does what they are guided to do. Together we offer what is needed. One person needs to hear what I allowed through, and someone else needs to hear what another teacher offered. All the parts come together as a whole.
I am not afraid to say that I sometimes channel fairly clearly what is given. I don’t feel proud, I feel joyous. It is not grandiosity because it is not of the little ego me. I am simply stepping out of the way as much as I can to allow something to come through. That is my grandeur. I am God’s Son, His holy child. I am part of the Christ Mind. I am the light of the world and it is my function to save the world. The ego thinks this is grandiosity, but it is simple truth.
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