V. The Denial of God
1 The rituals of the god of sickness are strange and very demanding. Joy is never permitted, for depression is the sign of allegiance to him. Depression means that you have forsworn God. Many are afraid of blasphemy, but they do not understand what it means. They do not realize that to deny God is to deny their own Identity, and in this sense the wages of sin is death. The sense is very literal; denial of life perceives its opposite, as all forms of denial replace what is with what is not. No one can really do this, but that you think you can and believe you have is beyond dispute.
Journal
I went through a period of relinquishing fear and then another of relinquishing guilt. Both were very intense and while in the middle of doing this I would often forget that looking with Holy Spirit at guilt and fear was what I wanted. I would get caught up in these beliefs and think that I was guilt or that I was fear. I would think that I had forgotten everything I ever learned and that I had no way out.
Then I would remember the truth and it was like a drowning person surfacing and gasping for breath, and so thankful for air, then looking around and realizing I was drowning in a foot of water. I would have to laugh. Then I would be immersed in fear or guilt again and the process would start over. Eventually, I stopped believing in fear and guilt so much and the process was gentler and lasted for a shorter period. I won’t say that I never experience guilt or fear anymore, but I never completely believe in them, and now I extricate myself more quickly.
Lately, I have been looking at grief, sadness and depression. I thought I was through with depression, but evidently, the belief in depression is still rooted in my mind, and so it is coming up for me to look at and to release, just as I did guilt and fear. I didn’t realize what was happening at first. I would just get washed away in these feelings and wonder what was happening. But I have done this kind of work before, so I began to recognize it for what it is. This makes the process easier and less frightening.
Here is what I have learned through going through this. First, it is not a sign that the truth is not true. It is not a punishment or proof that I am not loved by God. It is not reason to be upset. It is actually a good thing that these beliefs are surfacing, to be looked at and released. I remind myself of this when I start to feel upset by them.
Looking at them with the Holy Spirit means feeling them, and noticing how much I believe them, so it is not pleasant, but it doesn’t have to be scary. So the second thing is that I welcome them, as much as I can do that. I don’t push these feelings away. I don’t deny them. I don’t project them. I don’t try to bury them. At least I do my best with this and when I notice I am in denial or I am projecting, I stop. These are ego strategies and they do not work.
Thirdly, as I become aware of the feelings and the beliefs that source the feelings, I release them to the Holy Spirit. I cannot undo this on my own. This is His function and so I give it to Him. The ego will try to take over and offer suggestions to get rid of the feelings. It will suggest medication, therapy, blame, and eventually will suggest self-annihilation, as its true desire for me is death. The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, will offer true healing and so I reject the ego solutions, and release the problem to Him.
And finally, as I sit with these feelings, releasing them as best as I can, I notice how hard the ego mind tries to cling to them. The ego just loves all this drama, this focus on separation and misery. So I choose the opposite. I remind myself of the truth of my being. I direct my mind to look away from the darkness and toward the light. The more firmly I make this choice, the more quickly I experience relief, and the less intense the feelings when they surface.
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