7-13-12
8 This was the ego-all the cruel hate, the need for vengeance and the cries of pain, the fear of dying and the urge to kill, the brotherless illusion and the self that seemed alone in all the universe. This terrible mistake about yourself the miracle corrects as gently as a loving mother sings her child to rest. Is not a song like this what you would hear? Would it not answer all you thought to ask, and even make the question meaningless?
What the ego was… do we really need to look for examples in our lives? We have lived with this for eons as seen from the illusion of time. I think of who I have hated; people who have offended me, attacked me (even if it were only in my thoughts) those who didn’t agree with me and support me, people who cut me off in traffic, people I don’t know, people I love. No one avoids my rage, though I try to disguise it as annoyance, disappointment, even sadness. I try to hide it behind sick humor. I try to excuse it as natural, and deserved.
Every time I hate, I seek a likely target, and I withhold my love, attention, my care, my words. I look away, I whisper a secret wish of retribution. I gossip cruelly. My failure to communicate, that is to fully love, to join as one in my heart, is an attack against myself and I deflect it onto my body as sickness, pain, suffering and death. I express it as lack and loss and my story takes a down-turn which I blame on someone else.
And no one suffers my insults and my hatred as much as do I, for all that I project onto others is also held within, where denied, it does it’s foul work in secrecy. And what is done in the darkness cannot be healed, so it is myself I hurt truly, though it may look like the attack is directed outward. This is all only a terrible mistake, and with willingness, easily corrected. It doesn’t require anything on my part other than the honest and complete desire to be healed. The healing mechanism was put into place by God, and we know It as the Holy Spirit; our Comforter, our Guide, our Corrector, our Healer.
Yesterday was a very interesting day. I travel by car in my work, and I work outside for the most part. Yesterday it rained off and on all morning so I got wet, and although the temperature up until now has been so high that getting wet would have been a blessing, the rain brought lower temperatures and so I got chilled instead. Not to mention, I looked like a drowned rat.
Then I got completely rained out as the rain turned into thunder storms and became torrential. Everyone had to turn on their flashers just to be seen by the one driving behind them. So I didn’t get to see all my customers and will have to figure out a way to fit them into my already tight schedule. Just as I was trying to fit in one more customer, my stomach rebelled against something I ate and the rest of the day was spent driving from gas station to gas station, hoping to make it to the next public restroom in time. This went on until I got to the hotel.
My stomach was finally settling down by this time so I cautiously tried a bit of supper. No more eating gas station food for me, so I went across town to a nice restaurant and the food was really good, though it went down somewhat uncertainly. I’m driving back to the hotel on the interstate when I notice my car is pulling to one side and wonder if I am getting a flat. By the time I am able to pull off the interstate at an exit, my tire is shredded and I’m driving on the rim.
Its not a good neighborhood, but I’m in a parking lot of a medical clinic and there are people around. Thanking God for AAA, I call for help. I feel bad for whoever responds because it is still raining. Help should arrive in 30 minutes to an hour, I’m told, so I read a bit and play solitaire on my Kindle. Time slows down; cars begin to leave the lot, its getting dark outside and its still raining.
Now here is the interesting part of today. I am still content. I am at peace. I am not upset and have not been upset all day. Nothing has disturbed my peace in spite of all the circumstances that seemed to have gone wrong. I’m watching an interesting movie and wondering how it will all end. Last week if this had all happened in one day I would have been crying by now, worried and feeling sorry for myself. Looking at what is happening in my life, it seems like nothing has changed, but looking at my response to what is happening, everything has changed.
I had one iffy moment. The final car pulls up next to me and a doctor rolls down his window enough to talk. He is concerned about me being out here by myself. He says that this is a bad neighborhood and hopes I have help coming soon. He seems concerned as well that I don’t seem to be joining him in his fear. Probably thinks I am a simple-minded tourist from the country where we only worry about wild boars or alligators.
I reassure him that the wrecker should arrive any moment (surely, any moment) and with a last pitying look, and directions to the nearest hospital, he drives away. I look around and see how alone I am. I notice the clinic has a pharmacy and think how attractive a target that would be for someone looking for a fix. I checked to be sure my doors are locked. I remember action-adventure shows where the hero makes his escape on a mere rim after his tire has been shot away by the bad guy, and wonder if that only works in Hollywood.
Yikes, my peace has been ruffled. Now I have a choice. I can follow the ego’s story and see where that leads me, or I can stay with the peace of God that passes all understanding. It’s a close call there for a bit; I’ve, over eons of time, have gotten addicted to drama. I had been texting my kids off and on while I waited, and I started to text the doctor’s warnings, then stopped. Why would I do that? Do I want to wallow in fear and anxiety for a while? Do I actually miss that? Do I want my children to join me there?
I think not. The mind brings me thoughts of disaster. It always will because that is its job. I see them. I measure my belief in them by my emotional response, and when I realize that there is something to be healed, I ask for healing. Otherwise I let the thought pass on through. That’s when the apologetic wrecker guy showed up to change my tire. I drove from there to the nearest Walmart to get a new tire, but of course, by this time the tire department was closed.
I noticed the thought that the wrecker should have come within the one hour time allotted him, instead of the more than two hours it actually took and I could have gotten a new tire. But, really? He should have? Evidently not, since he didn’t. That’s reality. So I went to the hotel, and enjoyed a hot shower and a good night’s sleep.
I suppose I will always experience ego thoughts as long as I am “here” but as long as I know that “here” cannot actually exist and that I am not this body and this story, they cannot affect my peace. And when I forget, or become enamored of a dark thought, I can easily return to sanity. I have been given the key to Heaven, and it is my desire for only God. I always have only two choices; it is God, or it is ego. Today, I accept God.
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