Day 46
3 It is in this that the teacher of God must trust. This is what is really meant by the statement that the one responsibility of the miracle worker is to accept the Atonement for himself. The teacher of God is a miracle worker because he gives the gifts he has received. Yet he must first accept them. He need do no more, nor is there more that he could do. By accepting healing he can give it. If he doubts this, let him remember Who gave the gift and Who received it. Thus is his doubt corrected. He thought the gifts of God could be withdrawn. That was a mistake, but hardly one to stay with. And so the teacher of God can only recognize it for what it is, and let it be corrected for him.
As I read about healing in the Teacher’s Manual, I am beginning to understand that as I am healed, that is as I accept the Atonement for myself, I will be a healer. I will heal all the time simply by my presence and my certainty. My mind will be a light that shines away the darkness of sickness as it shines away the darkness of false beliefs.
This is not true for me right now. I have moments of clarity and in those moments I am a healer. Sometimes I do this intentionally as I pray for a healing and those are the times when I might look for proof, and of course, in the looking, I express doubt. My doubt takes me out of the state of clarity that allowed healing, and now I need healing. As the saying goes, “Physician, heal thyself,” or more correctly, “Healer, heal thyself.”
So does this mean I cannot heal until I am fully realized or completely awake? No, at those times when my mind is clear and I am totally surrendered to Holy Spirit, I am an instrument of healing. That I retreat back into fear does not negate the moment when I was in Love. And neither is it a lost moment because the feeling of being even a shadow of my true self is a powerful inducement to continue my practices. Failing to stay in a more awakened state is not a failure at all, just another step toward total realization, as I use it to ask for healing.
Holy Spirit, please help me to remember Who it is that heals. When I am tempted to think the personality self is doing this, shake me awake. OK? Then we’ll have a good laugh.
PS: I had an interesting experience last night. I began to notice a feeling of sadness and unease. I couldn’t find a “reason” for it, but it kept deepening and soon I was crying, just sobbing. I felt momentarily lost, like being in the dark and not being able to find my way out, so I started looking for the light.
It’s funny to be in that state. I know this is not right, yet cannot really reason myself out of the feeling. I just kept saying the truth to myself as phrases came to me. Like, “This cannot be real because it is not God.” (That’s how I look for the light.) Then I had the thought, “Stop fighting the feeling and just let it be.” So I did that.
As I let the feeling wash over me without resistance, I realized how contracted I had been around that feeling, and the more contracted I became the more fearful it felt. I guess the contraction itself is fear. Anyway, as soon as I stopped fighting it and accepted it as perfect, it went away. A few minutes later, I had a few seconds of crying and then it was gone completely and I felt light and happy. I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t sad or crying. It was an inner joy that was welling up in me.
I have no idea what that was about. I guess I don’t need to know. It was some kind of release. The ego mind wants to make up a story so that it feels some kind of control, but I am happy just to let it be without my understanding.
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