Day 60
4 Remember how many times you thought you knew all the “facts” you needed for judgment, and how wrong you were? Is there anyone who has not had this experience? Would you know how many times you merely thought you were right, without ever realizing you were wrong? Why would you choose such an arbitrary basis for decision-making? Wisdom is not judgment; it is the relinquishment of judgment. Make then but one more judgment. It is this: There is Someone with you Whose judgment is perfect. He does know all the facts; past, present and to come. He does know all the effects of His judgment on everyone and everything involved in any way. And He is wholly fair to everyone, for there is no distortion in His perception.
It is absolutely astounding how stubbornly I have clung to my “right” to judge, especially when you consider how very often I have been wrong. And as Jesus points out, that is just the times I am aware of my error. Even those times when the right choice for myself seems obvious, how could I know what would be best for everyone involved? What about those who would be affected by my decision of whom I am not even aware? Now that I am conscious of my union with everyone I am also mindful of the enormity of my responsibility to the Sonship.
I am deeply grateful that I have been awakened to my connection to the Holy Spirit in my mind. To know that I should not be judging and not to have an awareness of the alternative would have been too cruel. I see now why I so often chose denial in the past. When first reading about judgment my mind simply rejected the idea that I couldn’t and shouldn’t judge, then insisted that this didn’t make sense and that I couldn’t do this. As I continued to practice it anyway, I began to accept, but made exceptions, coming up with all sorts of silly justifications for my exceptions.
I see now that I was afraid of the alternative. I was afraid on so many levels. I was afraid to give up judgment because it would mean giving up self and that was the bottom line fear. Even as I began to embrace the idea of giving up self, I was afraid because I wasn’t very good at all at hearing the Holy Spirit on a consistent basis.
If I am not to judge, and if I can’t hear the Voice that would judge for me, what was I supposed to do? It felt so hopeless that I just wiped the idea from my mind. But even that would only work for a bit, and then the truth would be there in my awareness again. I had looked at the truth and now could not go back to not knowing the truth. Not knowing what I knew was about as easy as putting toothpaste back into the tube.
It is taking a lot of practice to let go of judgment, and it’s helpful to know that none of this is real and that I am completely innocent regardless of how many times I become confused. So I stumble through the process doing the best I can, and when I become discouraged with myself, I can often laugh knowing this is just another ego judgment. When I choose ego instead of Holy Spirit, I tend not to get too upset about that. After all, I have done it about a gazillion times without even knowing I had an alternative. What’s a few more?
I am learning to trust the Holy Spirit and to trust myself to hear His Voice. I’m learning not to second guess my intuition. The Holy Spirit is being very patient and very kind with me. I was at the store the other day picking up a few things on my list. I had a fleeting thought to buy copy paper, but in one of those lightening quick decision making processes I used to be so proud of, I decided against it.
A couple of days later I ran out of paper in the middle of an important project. I had the thought that it didn’t matter, but all the thoughts in my judgment arsenal pointed to the opposite answer. So I stopped everything and went to the store to buy the paper even though it was going to throw my whole schedule off to do so. I got the job finished, and then discovered it was completely unnecessary.
I am happy to see this error so clearly because this one and others are motivating me to pay closer attention to my Inner Guidance. I also see that a quiet mind would make it so much easier to be aware of the Inner Voice. I see why Holy Spirit has been so consistent in leading me to practices that have helped me to quiet the turmoil in my mind. I am determined to give my increased willingness to this practice, too. Now that I am experiencing the ease of being led, I cannot imagine going back to being my own guide, and I see that all the ego chatter in my mind is an obstruction to my awareness of that all-knowing Voice.
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