Day 88
3 You who are sometimes sad and sometimes angry; who sometimes feel your just due is not given you, and your best efforts meet with lack of appreciation and even contempt; give up these foolish thoughts! They are too small and meaningless to occupy your holy mind an instant longer. God’s Judgment waits for you to set you free. What can the world hold out to you, regardless of your judgments on its gifts, that you would rather have? You will be judged, and judged in fairness and in honesty. There is no deceit in God. His promises are sure. Only remember that. His promises have guaranteed His Judgment, and His alone, will be accepted in the end. It is your function to make that end be soon. It is your, function to hold it to your heart, and offer it to all the world to keep it safe.
As I was reading Dying to Be Me and taking note of how fearful Anita was all of her life, I realized her fears mirrored mine. Until I read her words I never realized the extent of my fearful thinking. I have always been afraid of not measuring up, of not being accepted. I have been afraid of believing in myself and so have looked for someone else to be the authority. Now I see that I seem to be letting that go.
I notice that when I feel guided to speak truthfully to my children about my understanding, or when I think of them reading some of my writing, I don’t feel at all concerned about their opinion. That’s new for me. I noticed yesterday that I read something from an established Course teacher and knew in my heart that it did not resonate with me, and I didn’t question my understanding. I didn’t automatically feel defensive, or frightened that I could not trust my own understanding. That’s new for me.
More and more often I feel identified with my Self more than my self, and when this happens, I don’t feel immediately fearful nor feel the need to contract back into my small self again. I don’t feel the need to keep people from thinking I am being grandiose, and to keep their expectations for me smaller and more manageable. That’s new, too.
I am learning to trust God’s judgment, to know that I am still as He created me, to know that I am very holy. Anita says, in her book, that we are magnificent! Every time I think that word, magnificent, my heart opens to take it in. I feel the truth of that. I barely notice the fearful little ego voice warning me to be more humble. In the face of God’s judgment of me, I can laugh at the ego.
I feel so much gratitude for the study of the Manual for Teachers that I have been led to do, and for the Teachers for God that have been brought into my life. I feel grateful as I realize how my life unfolds effortlessly with each person, book, or practice that is given me at the moment I need it. I am grateful for the ease of it. I am grateful even when it feels hard, because I no longer doubt that this too will pass, and the truth will emerge in my mind unscathed by the ego attack.
I am particularly grateful for the many opportunities I have to share this journey and these insights. As I offer them to the world, I keep them safe in my heart.
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