Day 106
7 But what will now be your reaction to all magic thoughts? They can but re-awaken sleeping guilt, which you have hidden but have not let go. Each one says clearly to your frightened mind, “You have usurped the place of God. Think not He has forgotten.” Here we have the fear of God most starkly represented. For in that thought has guilt already raised madness to the throne of God Himself. And now there is no hope. Except to kill. Here is salvation now. An angry father pursues his guilty son. Kill or be killed, for here alone is choice. Beyond this there is none, for what was done cannot be done without. The stain of blood can never be removed, and anyone who bears this stain on him must meet with death.
Well ok. Jesus could not be any clearer. My fear of God is more like terror of God. This explains why it has taken so long to reach a place of willingness to begin the awakening process. It also explains why there was so much resistance even as I began to accept that I believe something that is not true. Even now I still resist. I am in a whole new place, but I am not yet willing to fully let go of my defenses.
I have to remind myself not to judge this. I am where I am, and honestly, I’m pretty excited about where I am. It is easy to become confused about this, to think I am the one asleep, to think I am my errors. I am not that. Myron is just where I have my attention, where I have placed my awareness. There is something happening which is outside her story.
I think in the past I mentioned that I have started listening to A Course in Miracles as I sleep. Since I started doing this, my dreams have changed. Last night in my dream I felt incredibly peaceful and aware. A character that was someone close to me was like I used to be; he was reacting to the story. As I stood with him I felt what he felt and understood his fear while not believing in it. It was amazing. He was evidently ready to begin his process, too, because he felt something of my peace and wanted it.
Later in the dream there was another person who was going to do something cruel for no apparent reason and I felt him too. I felt the unacknowledged fear deep within him that was driving his actions. I knew that he couldn’t help but do what he was doing, and I didn’t feel any resentment toward him at all.
When I woke up I felt some of the elation of experiencing that kind of peaceful awareness. I just lay there thinking, “Wow, wow, wow!” So I see that there is much more happening than is apparent in my every day life. I am willing to continue doing whatever it is that my Higher Self would have me do. I am doing it with a lot more trust now than I used to.
Something that really stands out to me in this paragraph is the first couple of sentences. Jesus is telling us that our magic thoughts are constantly reminding us of our hidden guilt. Rather than looking at the guilt and allowing our minds to be healed finally, we project the fear and guilt out as a story in our life. This gives us an explanation for the guilt that allows us to go on pretending we don’t know the source of the guilt.
But every time we entertain ego thoughts we are reminded that there is a monster in the basement, and our fear is awakened. We can’t do anything about it, though, because we are denying that the monster is there, and to deal with the source of the fear is out of the question. We cannot admit the source so we can’t deal with it. What a mess we have gotten ourselves into. Thank you, Jesus, my brother, my self, for finding your way out of this and showing us the way out.
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