Day130
4 Certainly sickness does not appear to be a decision. Nor would anyone actually believe he wants to be sick. Perhaps he can accept the idea in theory, but it is rarely if ever consistently applied to all specific forms of sickness, both in the individual’s perception of himself and of all others as well. Nor is it at this level that the teacher of God calls forth the miracle of healing. He overlooks the mind and body, seeing only the face of Christ shining in front of him, correcting all mistakes and healing all perception. Healing is the result of the recognition, by God’s teacher, of who it is that is in need of healing. This recognition has no special reference. It is true of all things that God created. In it are all illusions healed.
Yesterday I was very clear about healing, or at least I understood it a lot better than I have before. I spent the day in ease, feeling God’s Love. Nothing special happened during the day, but it happened very peacefully, and nothing disturbed that peace for more than a second or two as I remembered I have nothing to fear and nothing to do; I am loved by All That Is. All of the universe exists to support and love me, and this is so different from seeing the universe as an adversary, always a threat in one way or another.
Then when I was getting ready for bed, going through my usual night time ritual, I picked up my pill box to take my night time pills. My hand froze as I thought, “Oh no. Should I stop taking these pills?” Actually, it felt more like, do I have to stop taking them, because in that moment I realized how attached I am to the idea that I am saved, not by my Divine Nature, but by the magic solutions contained in that little plastic box.
I seemed to have finally got the perfect combination of magic spells. Calcium because my bone density goes down to a dangerous level without it. Then I had to add vitamin D because suddenly my body was not absorbing the calcium as it should. A very tiny amount of estrogen to make up for a body that no longer produces it on its own. It’s just a little bit of magic but what would I do without it.
Recently I had added another pill to adjust for a body whose parts are wearing out, then added another pill to counteract the side effects of that pill. And so it goes. But really, I finally got it all just right and now I am thinking about chucking the whole thing, and suddenly I felt threatened, and very confused. Instead of seeing the truth clearly, the illusion seemed real and the truth was a shadow, a thought I could no longer bring into clear focus.
The reason for this sense of confusion and my inability to bring the truth into focus is fear. I am afraid to step out of the boat and walk to Jesus. I have put a lot of energy and effort and faith in the false and now I am reluctant to let all that go. I am afraid to let it go, and fear clouds the mind.
My sister in law has the same problem. She received her lungs and heart transplant and everything is working perfectly, except that she is afraid. She has depended on oxygen for so long that she is afraid to give it up. Even though the doctors assure her that her lungs work very well and she doesn’t need oxygen anymore, she is afraid for them to turn it off.
Even though they show her the test that indicates her oxygen levels are at 98-99%, she is afraid to turn off the oxygen. She believes her fear over the clear proof that everything is alright. I completely understand, because I am doing the same thing.
Yesterday I knew that the body is an image of a thought in my mind. I am not this body, not even in this body; I am thinking this body. It cannot be in pain because it is not real. It is just a neutral image that I project onto. As I believe in the ego’s guilt and fear, I project these things onto the body and they appear as pain, suffering and death. As I remember the truth, I project that onto the body image and it appears as a useful communication device and nothing else. It is my choice and only my choice that creates the illusion of sickness.
As I believe in my guilt and this guilt is projected onto the body as sickness, weakness and in other ways, I then have to make up something within the imagined life of Myron to make the illusion tolerable, and to reinforce the illusion. Otherwise the whole thing goes up in smoke, and the unconscious guilt is too great for me to take that chance, just like Brinda has too much fear to take the chance that everyone is right about her lungs working.
Brinda is learning to overcome her fear by listening to her caretakers as they gently remind her of the truth. They talk her through the fear and encourage her to take deep breathes and calm herself when the panic begin to take over. When the fear is too great, they give her oxygen for short periods of time and then start the process again. Eventually, she will move through her fear and all will be well.
The way I am handling the fear is very similar. I know that this is just fear and not truth, so I ask the Holy Spirit to gently move me through it. I ask Him to heal my thoughts because I know that the body does not cause anything, only my thoughts do this. I hear His Voice as He reminds me that the body cannot exhibit weakness, aging, sickness, or pain unless that is my desire. It has no reality outside my belief in it.
He reminds me that the confusion I feel, and the apparent inability to remember the truth is no more real than is Brinda’s fear that she cannot breathe without the oxygen. It is just a reaction to Love so complete that I am afraid of it. He says that the guilt I am aware of and the unconscious guilt that is beneath it and feeds it, is unfounded and cannot affect the Love that is real. He asks me to relax, breathe, and allow Love to carry me through this.
As I do this my thoughts begin to clear. I have nothing to do but desire the miracle of a healed mind. He will do the rest. Today I will disregard appearances as I trust the Holy Spirit to heal my mind.
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