In 2007 and then again in 2010, I journaled with the Holy Spirit as I did Lesson 136. I read it again this morning and realized how appropriate it is to what I am learning now in this study of the Manual for Teachers. I am also pleased to see that I understand it more deeply now than I did before. I am going to use it for my study for today.
Lesson 136
Sickness is a defense against the truth.
My Journaling
Sickness is a defense against the truth.
What does this lesson mean to me?
Everything is about purpose. I always ask, “What is it for?” The purpose of sickness is to hide reality through changing it from wholeness to separate parts. “The aim of all defenses is to keep the truth from being whole.” Sickness is to prove that I am a body and therefore an individual. It proves I cannot be the Son of God and therefore, God as All cannot exist. My existence proves He is not All there is, and so proves I destroyed Him.
“Defenses are not unintentional, nor are they made without awareness. They are secret, magic wands that you wave when truth appears to threaten what you would believe.” And clearly I want to believe that I am Myron, a separate individual body, a part that is a whole and this is a lie so absurd that it requires constant vigilance to continue to believe it.
Certainly, sickness is an excellent way for me to convince myself I am indeed a body. It is very hard to deny I am a body when I am in pain. Pain has a way of demanding my attention. The body is in pain and I feel pain therefore I must be a body, and voila, my tiny kingdom remains intact. As I follow this to its inevitable conclusion, I kill the body and so I have overcome life (God) to prove my decision is stronger than His.
What I want to remember is that sickness did not just happen to me. It is not caused by germs or accidents or anything outside my mind. If I am sick, I chose to be sick for the sole purpose of bringing my attention back to the ego. Through sickness I keep myself in deception which I think protects me from God; that is it protects me from the truth.
After I have waved my magic wand and created the defense of sickness I forget that I did it. Of course I do! How else would this work? By doing this lesson, and by reminding myself of the truth when it happens I am waking myself up. At first it is done without conviction because I don’t really see how I could have done this. I just don’t seem clever enough. But that is simply my resistance to the truth, and as I persist in my practice my desire for the truth overcomes the resistance.
I can choose to believe my crazy scheme to dethrone God and take His place has worked, but I cannot make it true. It is my illusion and I get to keep it as long as I can stand the pain, but nothing I believe can make it real. And God simply loves me and offers me happiness for that is His nature. In each moment I choose which I want; to be king of hell, or to be part of God. My choice does not change reality, but it does change my experience.
How can I apply this in my life right now?
I can remember the truth. This is what I am doing each time I question the insanity of the ego thought system. Each time I suffer in any way, I can look at this and remember that I chose to suffer and then set up the circumstances that allowed me to prove suffering is real. Today I choose to be mindful.
I notice that I do not choose to suffer as much as I used to. I also notice that when I have been very happy for an extended time, I become afraid and retreat into suffering, though I don’t do it as often and I am unable to remain unconscious to what I am doing, so it doesn’t last as long or hurt as much.
The way I use the ego to do this is that I will be perfectly happy and then I begin thinking about something sad or frightening. I bring into my life circumstances that cause pain, either physical or emotional.
…If you let your mind harbor attack thoughts, yield to judgment or make plans against uncertainties to come, you have again misplaced yourself, and made a bodily identity which will attack the body, for the mind is sick.
2007
Holy Spirit I feel confused about this. Could you to talk to me about it?
My message from Holy Spirit
Me: Holy Spirit, I have been suffering with a stomach problem for a long time now. I try to think what my thoughts are that need to be corrected. I think I am going about this the wrong way.
Holy Spirit: It is true that the body can only reflect right minded thoughts or wrong minded thoughts. When the body is sick it is reflecting the idea that you are your body and it is defending against the idea that you could be anything else. You are literally convincing yourself that you are weak and defenseless.
The answer does not lie in finding the specific thought that caused a specific illness and then changing that thought. Instead, notice what your body seems to be indicating about your thinking. Do you feel weak, tired, sick and suffering? Now that you have noticed this be willing to realize that you did this to yourself. You chose to feel these things so that you would believe your story of being a body and being an individual. Now realize that this is not making you happy and be willing to do something different. I will do the rest.
Me: Am I wrong to care about my body being in pain, and to try to heal my body? After all, if it is not real what difference does it make? And if I try to heal it, won’t that be a defense?
Holy Spirit: Do you think it is God’s will that you experience yourself in pain? Do you think it is helpful to suffer? It is a matter of purpose, Myron. When you notice the body is in pain, what purpose do you see in that awareness? Do you think your purpose is to heal the body? Or do you see your purpose is to heal the mind? If your purpose is to allow Me to correct your thinking then you will be truly healed.
As you allow Me to work with your mind, you will be become clear as to what would be most helpful to do in the dream. Sometimes you need do nothing, and you simply accept the truth that you are not a body and that it needs no defense. Sometimes you are not ready to accept this is the truth, and you choose to use magic to allow yourself to feel healed.
You are not wrong to take medicine or see a doctor. You are not wrong to want to be free of pain. Choosing to use magic is not a cause for guilt nor is it going to set you back as you fear it will. You and I are working at the level of mind. You know that your purpose is to heal the mind. Give Me your willingness to see differently and you will have served your purpose.
My message to Holy Spirit
I must be feeling a lot of resistance to this message because it did not flow easily. But really it seems pretty simple now that I read it. I just need to remember that healing my body is not my purpose. My purpose is to allow my thoughts to be corrected, and a sick body just lets me know that there are mistaken thoughts to be looked at. On the other hand, once I see that I am projecting guilt onto my body and so it is sick, there is no point in experiencing pain and sickness.
I may not be able to accept complete and total healing (mind-changing) and I do not need to feel guilty if I choose to use magic as well. The thing that matters is that I know that sickness is a choice and does not come from outside my mind. I can make a different choice by choosing a different teacher.
2010
What I noticed as I read this lesson is that it is perfectly clear and perfectly helpful. In the past it seemed anything but that. It felt strange and confusing to me. Of course the only reason it seemed that way was because in the past I didn’t want to believe it.
As I read my own words from that past journaling I see how confused I was. I was experiencing guilt for my actions (such as using medicine to relieve pain when I could not immediately heal my mind) and that is such nonsense that I laugh at myself now. Any thought that creates a sense of guilt in me obviously comes from ego. God never tells me I am guilty. The ego says I am guilty for being sick, then says I am guilty for trying to heal myself. The ego doesn’t care why I am guilty, only that I know I am guilty.
What is my job? What am I to do when I am sick? I notice that the body is sick and remember that sickness is a decision I made to prove I am separate from God. I notice my thoughts and become aware of those thoughts that attack, judge and plan. I ask the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking and heal my mind. If I am in pain I take something for it if I need to or see a doctor if that is necessary. Those actions have nothing to do with healing; they neither heal nor prevent healing. It is only at the level of mind that true healing takes place. My job is to be willing to accept the truth.
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