5-31-12
5 Even those who no longer value the material things of the world may still be deceived by “psychic” powers. As investment has been withdrawn from the world’s material gifts, the ego has been seriously threatened. It may still be strong enough to rally under this new temptation to win back strength by guile. Many have not seen through the ego’s defenses here, although they are not particularly subtle. Yet, given a remaining wish to be deceived, deception is made easy. Now the “power” is no longer a genuine ability, and cannot be used dependably. It is almost inevitable that, unless the individual changes his mind about its purpose, he will bolster his “power’s” uncertainties with increasing deception.
In understanding what Jesus means in this paragraph, I am going to return to my own experience. I was doing spiritual counseling and I was uncertain what to say. I asked Holy Spirit for words and nothing came. This is always a difficult moment for me. Sometimes when I do not hear words, that actually is the answer. I am to say nothing. But the ego is very uncomfortable with that answer.
The ego wants to answer. It wants to look good, to be the one that has wise words and solutions. Actually the ego just loves it when others think well of her. The ego is always in competition with the world, and to be admired and appreciated feels like winning. So when the Holy Spirit gives me no words the ego wants to fill that silence with its own words.
I am not without an ego and I am aware of the desires of the ego. I feel the ego desire to speak and to uphold its shaky reputation as wise woman, and each time it happens I must choose the voice I would listen to. I must decide again if my purpose is to be the most unique and special separated self I can be, or if my purpose is to awaken from that self and be as God created me.
All of this happens in my mind in a moment, a micro second, and it doesn’t feel so clear cut as it seems when I write about it. I ask for words, there are no words and I think that it is time to be silent, but then I wonder if I have lost that connection and can’t hear, and I have to say something to cover that up, and I start talking. It all happens very fast and sometimes the thing I am aware of is nothing coming to me and then I am talking. I can always tell when this happens, when I am talking on my own, because it feels wrong. Then I have to decide; shall I shut up or keep talking.
The error lies in that moment when I forget my purpose which is to heal and be healed by allowing myself to be a channel for Holy Spirit. I begin to think that my purpose is to be special and it is that moment of choosing ego that I feel uncertain and think I must bolster my “power’s” uncertainties with increasing deception. That is when I keep talking even though the Source of my words has become silent. Now my words are a deception.
This happens less and less now because my desire to be special is diminishing. When it does happen I can often catch it really quickly because I truly don’t want to fool myself anymore. Even though it feels like we do things unconsciously, that isn’t really true. We always know exactly what we are doing, and then we hide this knowledge from ourselves and pretend ignorance.
I will always wind up acting on my desires even when I pretend I don’t know that desire, or pretend to myself that I have given it up. No matter how cleverly I disguise my intentions, I am told out by my life which perfectly expresses those unacknowledged desires. So when I notice that I am babbling and that it feels really uncomfortable, I just realize what it happening, make a different choice and wait for Holy Spirit to give me words again.
No need to feel guilty or make amends. This going off course will happen until my mind is completely free of the desire to be separate and special. My job is to notice the evidence of that desire and to choose again. As I do this, my motivation becomes purer and my gift more dependable.
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