VII. The Two Evaluations, P 3
3 It is perfectly obvious that if the Holy Spirit looks with love on all He perceives, He looks with love on you. His evaluation of you is based on His knowledge of what you are, and so He evaluates you truly. And this evaluation must be in your mind, because He is. The ego is also in your mind, because you have accepted it there. Its evaluation of you, however, is the exact opposite of the Holy Spirit’s, because the ego does not love you. It is unaware of what you are, and wholly mistrustful of everything it perceives because its perceptions are so shifting. The ego is therefore capable of suspiciousness at best and viciousness at worst. That is its range. It cannot exceed it because of its uncertainty. And it can never go beyond it because it can never be certain.
Journal
Now that I have spent some years observing this phenomenon it seems very clear to me which voice I listen to at any one time. I am aware of thoughts in my mind that are clearly ego based and thoughts that I know come from my holy Self. I also have thoughts that I am unsure of as I am sure many people do. Thoughts that are not clearly ego or Spirit. It is especially confusing if I have a horse in the race, that is, if I want a particular thing to be true.
One thing that I am certain of is that I can gain clarity if I really want it. I ask Holy Spirit for His interpretation and then I quiet my mind a moment in preparation for receiving it. If I don’t feel an answer right away, I simply wait for it. The answer will show up. Sometimes it comes through someone else or through a book. Sometimes it just bubbles up at a perfect time. I have a thought and I know that thought is the truth and that it did not come from the ego mind.
I have also experienced the ego at its most vicious. There are two times this seems to happen. Sometimes I will start paying attention to the ego and before you know it, I am drowning in ego thoughts and I don’t know which way is up. This is when the ego can get vicious. It has my full attention and I feel vulnerable to its worse thoughts.
The other time it happens is when I have been doing really well, studying the Course, practicing what I study, really living it. I am consciously and deliberately turning from the ego and focusing my attention on the Voice for God. Then I suddenly feel depressed, or enraged, or I get sick. It is the ego response to the loss of my attention. The ego is the part of the mind that does not want to awaken from the dream, and it will throw up roadblocks to keep me involved. If the ego feels threatened by my spiritual growth, those are the times it is most vicious in its response.
An advantage I have is that I have seen it all before. I have been doing this for a long time and while I can become temporarily confused and even temporarily afraid of my confusion, I never completely believe it anymore. So I am much calmer about it now, and that helps me to reach clarity again much faster.
I understand now that the ego has no power over me. The ego did not make me; I made it. It cannot prevail against me. I used to think that sometimes I would fall into an ego storm, but now I realize that it takes my active corporation. I generally hide that from myself, but the truth is, I don’t slip unawares into ego, I jump into the storm. Coming to my senses, I simply step out of it.
I do this by asking the Holy Spirit to help me see. For instance, yesterday I became frustrated about work. It seemed that time was getting away from me and I couldn’t see how to get everything done. I felt my peace and happiness slipping away. So I stopped and asked Holy Spirit to help me see it differently.
I remembered that there is only one problem and that one problem isn’t a lack of time. The one problem is the belief that I am separate from God. That problem has been solved. This seeming problem with time is just an echo of the past belief that there are many problems that I must solve.
I remembered that the world with all its problems is just an image I have made. I no longer have a problem because it has been solved and so I there is no longer a need for me to make these images. They are no longer valid. I sat while this truth penetrated my heart and felt peace return. I allowed my mind to hear the Holy Spirit’s evaluation of me. I am whole and complete and need nothing. I am God’s holy Son, His beloved Son. I am not ego. I am, with my brothers, the Christ.
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