VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
5 If you choose to see yourself as unloving you will not be happy. You are condemning yourself and must therefore regard yourself as inadequate. Would you look to the ego to help you escape from a sense of inadequacy it has produced, and must maintain for its existence? Can you escape from its evaluation of you by using its methods for keeping this picture intact?
Journal
In the past my problem was that I would do unloving things, or have unloving thoughts, and I used this as proof that I was unloving. I held grievances against even people I loved. I avoided people I didn’t like. I laughed at unkind jokes and shared gossip at the water cooler. How could I see myself as good, when it was obvious I was not good?
Slowly, as I studied and practiced the Course, and lived it the best I could, I began to understand that what I do is not what I am. With just this little bit of understanding, I was able to start using the unloving acts and thoughts as indication there was still something in my mind that was sick and needed healing. Instead of being something that caused me shame, I was often able to see it as red flags, indicators, and know that it could change.
I was also able, eventually, to detach from these thoughts and their effects, knowing that we all share them. While I seemed to be healing me, I was really healing the Sonship, as I allowed the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking. I forget this sometimes, and there are times when I am unable to detach, at least at first. Eventually, I remember my function, and remember that I am the light of the world.
My part is so small, so simple. I desire to forgive all I think is true now. Just that. I desire. I notice when I desire something else and I release that to the Holy Spirit. I do this until all I desire is God. I disregard appearances, and follow my guide as if there was nothing to see but light all around me, because that is the truth.
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