VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity, P 2
2 Grandiosity is always a cover for despair. It is without hope because it is not real. It is an attempt to counteract your littleness, based on the belief that the littleness is real. Without this belief grandiosity is meaningless, and you could not possibly want it. The essence of grandiosity is competitiveness, because it always involves attack. It is a delusional attempt to outdo, but not to undo. We said before that the ego vacillates between suspiciousness and viciousness. It remains suspicious as long as you despair of yourself. It shifts to viciousness when you decide not to tolerate self-abasement and seek relief. Then it offers you the illusion of attack as a “solution.”
Journal
I have really been reviewing some of my uses for grandiosity since yesterday. Memories of past behaviors and present day attempts to counteract my littleness just pop up in my awareness and I see what Jesus is talking about here. “Thank you, Brother, for this help.” Here is a memory that was perfect for understanding what happens with the grandiosity and why it happens. I truly saw that it was a cover for despair, despair that I was lost and didn’t know how to be found.
The memory was from many years ago, long before A Course in Miracles. I used to study astrology through the courses offered by the Rosicrucian’s. I was good at the study part, but only so-so at the ability to discern the deeper meanings. But it kept me busy and I enjoyed it. I was showing my sister in law a chart I had made and was explaining what each placement indicated.
There was something in the chart I was having trouble interpreting and she said something that was very perceptive. I distinctly remember feeling attacked. How could she know more than me when she had never studied and when this was her first look at astrology. I brushed her off and closed the book. The image that I had made for myself as “the one who knows” was threatened by her desire to join with me in this pursuit.
Immediately, I felt ashamed and for a long time after felt that shame acutely whenever I thought about it. I also came to regret the opportunity lost to share this study with her. Later, through doing the Lessons and studying the Course, I understood why I reacted the way I did and I forgave myself. Now when I think of that time, I see it as a valuable learning opportunity. Today, it is a good example, a way to understand this paragraph.
I still have moments of grandiosity, but as I notice them, I also realize why I felt that way, what I was trying to cover up, and I know that the littleness I am afraid of is an illusion. I am able to allow healing so much faster now, and am even able most times to undo what I did if in my fear I actually spoke aloud. For instance, if that incident with my sister in law had happened now, I would have very quickly turned it around and asked her to tell me more. I would probably even tell her how impressed I am with her.
Another time I have seen grandiosity in myself is after giving a good talk. My adrenaline would be going and I would feel so successful that I had done a good job and people liked what I said. Often afterward I would say something that I would later regret because it came from the excited ego.
This doesn’t happen as much anymore because I have become clear that the only thing I can say that matters comes not from me, but through me. I ask what it is I am to say. I remind myself frequently to check in to be sure I am being an open channel and not adding from my ego. I might still feel the physical affect of adrenal in the body and I often feel joy that occurs from that close connection with Spirit. But the ego part is not there and that is such a relief.
When the ego is running the show I am in grandiosity rather than in my grandeur. I might do just fine during the talk because I always do put Spirit in charge of that, but it is afterward when someone says how much they enjoyed it and how much it helped them that the ego tries to slip in and take credit for it and that is not a pleasant feeling, and the results are often disappointing as well.
When I am allowing only Spirit to be in charge, I don’t care about how it is accepted. I am there only to be truly helpful and I trust that I have been. Even if someone were to dispute what I said it would only mean that it was helpful in a way neither that person nor I could discern at this time. Basically, what anyone thinks, good or bad, is none of my business. When I know this, there is no desire to defend anything. What happens then is that whatever is said to me I see as love, regardless of the words.
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