VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity, P
3 The ego does not understand the difference between grandeur and grandiosity, because it sees no difference between miracle impulses and ego-alien beliefs of its own. I told you that the ego is aware of threat to its existence, but makes no distinctions between these two very different kinds of threat. Its profound sense of vulnerability renders it incapable of judgment except in terms of attack. When the ego experiences threat, its only decision is whether to attack now or to withdraw to attack later. If you accept its offer of grandiosity it will attack immediately. If you do not, it will wait.
Journal
This morning I am thinking about grandiosity as attack. Why are these two ideas connected? Is attack always associated with grandiosity? I thought about the idea that I am a very good sales person. I saw that just that thought is an attack on myself. As soon as I say it, I think of times when I haven’t succeeded in sales, and I feel a tinge of fear that it is not always true or that I will fail in the future. I have defined myself in a way that is not shifts and changes and so it will always produce fear.
Then there is also the attack on others. When I see myself as a good sales person it is a comparative judgment. I am good compared to someone who is not so good. That is a subtle attack, but attack always produces fear. What if someone better comes along, as inevitably happens? Then comparatively, I am not so good.
Sometimes the attack is more overt as I try to make the other person look incompetent, so that I look better. When that happens I feel worse, but then project it onto the competition so that I can see it as someone else’s fault, which is just another way to attack. Regardless, I must always be trying harder so that I don’t lose my standing. My life will have a constant low level of stress even when things are going well.
More important than any of that is that competition increases the sense of separation that is the source of all attack. To be better than, I must be separate from, and this is painful even when I am not aware of the source of the pain. Separation in any form is separation from God and even though that is an impossibility, that feeling of being separate from God is the cause of all suffering. Clearly, anything that causes stress, anxiety, fear or suffering of any kind or degree is an attack. Anything, which increases my sense of separation, is an attack. Grandiosity does both things.
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