VI. Fear and Conflict
1 Being afraid seems to be involuntary; something beyond your own control. Yet I have said already that only constructive acts should be involuntary. My control can take over everything that does not matter, while my guidance can direct everything that does, if you so choose. Fear cannot be controlled by me, but it can be self-controlled. Fear prevents me from giving you my control. The presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind. This removes them from my control, and makes you feel personally responsible for them. This is an obvious confusion of levels.
Well, Jesus is absolutely right that it does seem like fear is involuntary. I am afraid of heights, and when I am confronted by what I fear, it seems like I have no control over that fear. It feels like it is being up high that causes the fear and my only relief is to get back on flat ground. Jesus says that I am wrong about this. He says that I can control fear and he says that it is important that I do so.
When I try to control the situation, the effect of the projection, I am suffering from level confusion. The problem for me is not heights, and I won’t solve the problem by staying on flat ground. If I stay at this level, I have made myself responsible for correcting my problem. You would think this would be easy enough.
There is not a single mountain in Louisiana, and not even a real hill. But then I notice I can’t always stay here. Trying to control the situation becomes very complicated when someone invites me to attend a workshop and it is in a mountainous area, I have to save myself by not going. If someone asks me to give a workshop in such an area, I have to save myself by saying no.
What I have noticed is that the more I try to control the fear by controlling the situation, the more fearful I become. It seems like my fear of heights is exacerbated the more I do this, and I also become fearful of my failure to control the fear. It is like a snowball rolling downhill and just getting bigger and bigger as it goes. I have taken control of the fear through my desire to control on the level of form, and now am on my own.
My fear and my desire to control has prevented the Holy Spirit from helping me. Feeling like I am on my own is frightening all itself, because it emphasizes the real problem, which is I think I am separated from God. Now I am further frightened because I am peeking at some of that unconscious guilt about the separation. Do you see how the snowball picks up more and more fear as it builds momentum?
2 I do not foster level confusion, but you must choose to correct it. You would not excuse insane behavior on your part by saying you could not help it. Why should you condone insane thinking? There is a confusion here that you would do well to look at clearly. You may believe that you are responsible for what you do, but not for what you think. The truth is that you are responsible for what you think, because it is only at this level that you can exercise choice. What you do comes from what you think. You cannot separate yourself from the truth by “giving” autonomy to behavior. This is controlled by me automatically as soon as you place what you think under my guidance. Whenever you are afraid, it is a sure sign that you have allowed your mind to miscreate and have not allowed me to guide it.
The solution to fear is to recognize the level confusion and to let go of trying to control the situation. As I realize that it is my thinking that needs correction and not my behavior, I am on the right road. I cannot hand Jesus my fear and ask him to make it go away. I cannot control the situation and learn to avoid my fear. But as I realize that it is my mind that needs to be healed, I give my thoughts and beliefs to the Holy Spirit, and now I am moving toward a solution.
It seems so simple when I say it like this. And in truth it is simple, but it becomes complicated in my mind as I practice it. I say to Holy Spirit that I want to be healed of my fear of heights, but then I remember how terrified I was when I had my little adventure driving up Cripple Creek with Regina, and tell Him that I don’t ever want to do this again. Now I am back to level confusion again as I want to control the fear through controlling the situation. Sigh.
I don’t know how anyone else does this, but my process is to notice my thoughts and my emotional reaction to those thoughts and the situations. When I see that I am afraid, I ask the Holy Spirit to heal my mind. When I notice level confusion, I ask the Holy Spirit to heal my mind. I do this as often as there is fear in my mind. I realize that it is not actually fear of heights that is the problem, but the belief in fear.
Jesus tells us that there is nothing to fear. This is the real lesson that I am learning. Mountains are just a symbol of my belief that there really is something to fear. Avoiding mountains is not going to heal my mind of the belief in fear. As I let go of trying to control fear at the level of form, trying to let go of fear through manipulating the symbol, I turn to Jesus for help.
I understand that the problem is in my mind, and this is something I can get help with. In fact, it is not my job to heal my mind; it is only my job to recognize the need for healing and to desire the healing. The reason I continue to ask for healing over and over is not because the Holy Spirit is failing to hear me, or failing to answer my call. It is because I am convincing myself that I really do want healing.
I ask that the Holy Spirit heal my mind, and the ego voice says that I am crazy, that I am going to wind up back on a mountain and it reminds me of the awful fear I felt. I listen to that voice and I become too afraid to turn it over to Holy Spirit, so I take it back. Then, later when I notice the fear in my mind, I ask Holy Spirit to heal it. You would think this was an endless cycle and nothing was happening, but that is not true.
Each time I ask, I am answered. It is like a layer of fear is being peeled away and then another layer and when it is all gone, there will be nothing left but joy and peace. I don’t think this is literal but it is the way it feels to me. I think that the moment I asked for healing, it was done, but I was not ready to accept it right away. That was the peeling away part.
When it comes to heights my thinking has been insane. I take responsibility for my thinking and I make a clear choice to place what I think under your guidance, Jesus. I ask that you guide me now. If I become afraid again, I know you will wait for me to return my mind to you. Thank you for your infinite patience.
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