6-25-13
12 Of your ego you can do nothing to save yourself or others, but of your spirit you can do everything for the salvation of both. Humility is a lesson for the ego, not for the spirit. Spirit is beyond humility, because it recognizes its radiance and gladly sheds its light everywhere. The meek shall inherit the earth because their egos are humble, and this gives them truer perception. The Kingdom of Heaven is the spirit’s right, whose beauty and dignity are far beyond doubt, beyond perception, and stand forever as the mark of the Love of God for His creations, who are wholly worthy of Him and only of Him. Nothing else is sufficiently worthy to be a gift for a creation of God Himself.
I used to very quickly read these kinds of paragraphs where Jesus is describing my true self and then move on. They made me uncomfortable because I didn’t relate. I didn’t see where it was helping me. I was more interested in the paragraphs that talked about the ego. This was familiar territory. I wanted to read something that told me what to do about it. I was a fixer and I wanted some solid leads and good advice. I wanted to do, because doing made me feel like progress was being made.
Most of my life has been spent doing and making progress, at least according to the way the ego keeps score. I solved the problems the ego pointed out, and then the ego would point out more problems. I’ve been a busy girl, ticking off items on my list as I got to them, figured them out, and took care of them. The ones I couldn’t fix, I deep-sixed. So, in a way, I did something with that too, because it was out of sight, out of mind.
With all this busy work and illusion of progress, you would think I would be happy to read about my true self, about spirit. But reading that I am perfect just as I am left me uncomfortably confused. How could I be perfect when there was still so much to do? How could I be worthy when I still made so many mistakes, did so much wrong? There is just too much work to be done, but I will keep working diligently, forgiving, forgiving, forgiving, and one day I will receive my reward, or so I told myself. Not in so many words, but that was the underlying belief.
I’m all for doing the work. There is still work to be done. I still get confused about my identity. I still get enticed by ego thinking sometimes. But now I am not confused (or hardly ever confused) about my part. I watch my mind. I ask for the Atonement and I accept healing. I don’t figure anything out, and I don’t seek solutions within the ego mind. I ask and I receive. And my Self is being revealed to me.
Wow! You and I made that discovery together. As I wrote that last line, I felt a rush throughout my body. Heat, chill bumps, tears. I didn’t see that coming.
These days I love reading about spirit, about my true Self, about God’s Son. I may not always exhibit the traits I read about, but I can envision it, and as more and more ego is undone, I can see signs of what lies beneath, what has always been just beneath the thin façade of the ego self.
I am beyond humble. I recognize my radiance and I gladly shed my light everywhere I go. My ego is meek and surrender is no longer seen as loss, so it is with profound relief that I allow myself to be taught. I see with a truer perception because of it. The Kingdom of Heaven is no longer a far off dream, but it is my right. God loves me and I am worthy of His love. I am hungry for more truth and I don’t feel the need to hide behind my sins anymore.
When I get up from this meditation, and begin my workday, maybe I will again relate with the ego self, become confused about what I am. Maybe I will start to believe the ego is what I am instead of something I have. But I don’t think I can ever fully believe that again. It will be different now. My experience has been that once we know something, we cannot unknow it. There is no way to get the toothpaste back into the tube. I wonder how this will change things? There is a world of difference between being the ego and being the Son of God in an experience of ego.
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