X. The Confusion of Pain and Joy, Paragraph 4
4 That is why you need to demonstrate the obvious to yourself. It is not obvious to you. You believe that doing the opposite of God’s Will can be better for you. You also believe that it is possible to do the opposite of God’s Will. Therefore, you believe that an impossible choice is open to you, and one which is both fearful and desirable. Yet God wills. He does not wish. Your will is as powerful as His because it is His. The ego’s wishes do not mean anything, because the ego wishes for the impossible. You can wish for the impossible, but you can will only with God. This is the ego’s weakness and your strength.
I wish for lots of things. Right now this moment I wish I could stay home from work. I wish I could have slept longer. I wish I weighed less. I wish I were retired. I wish I could win the lottery. That is just a quick list of the thoughts in my mind under the heading of things I wish. What is so impossible about them? I may never win the lottery, but it is possible. I can’t get up later today, but I could tomorrow. Otherwise, all of them seem possible to me.
When I look at these things closer what I see is that I want to be happy. I want to be happy and I think the way to do it is to have more time for myself with more money to spend and a smaller body to do these things. It is impossible that I get these things and then find I am happy. That is the impossible part. I could have them and discover that there are other things I want and so I am not happy. I know this would happen because it has before… actually, all my life.
Nothing I get really makes me happy. I might be happy for a little bit, but then I discover something else is needed to keep me happy. No thing I buy and no change in circumstances brings perfect happiness. If I get something spectacular, such as when I had my children, all of whom still bring me happiness, they came with problems and fears as I realized how unprepared I was to be a mother and as I anticipated problems. So even in that perfect moment, I was not happy.
In the world of time where we find ourselves at this moment, there is no happiness. There is only fear and guilt and moments of less fear and guilt. I have thought that my wishes fulfilled would bring me joy, and each time I got my wish, I discovered I was wrong. Obviously, I don’t know the difference between pain and joy, because I keep asking for things that I think will bring me joy and I wind up in pain.
When I ask for ego wishes to be fulfilled, I ask for pain. Now that I understand this, I can ask for something different. What if I asked Holy Spirit for joy? What if I asked Him to teach me the difference between pain and joy, and to show me how to ask for joy? Rearranging my story isn’t doing the trick; that is just more wishing. How do I get in touch with my will, the one I share with God? This is what I want. This will bring me joy.
I am being reminded of the times I do this, the times I will instead of wish, the times my will is in alignment with God’s Will. I think of how peaceful I feel and how joyful. This can happen in the middle of whatever ego stuff is hitting the fan. I just suddenly remember truth and I am the clock in the storm, ticking away, completely unaffected by what is happening around me. Calm. Peaceful. Happy.
Holy Spirit, thank you for reminding me that I can do this and what it feels like. Help me remember this today. I woke up thinking how crazy the day is going to be as I try to fit too many things into too short a time. I don’t wish to go back to bed or for today to meet my expectations. What I will is that God’s Will be done and that I relax into that Will. I ask that I not miss this opportunity to surrender into perfection and allow it to sweep me into joy.
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