IX. Healing as Corrected Perception, P 6
6 The ego, which always wants to weaken the mind, tries to separate it from the body in an attempt to destroy it. Yet the ego actually believes that it is protecting it. This is because the ego believes that mind is dangerous, and that to make mindless is to heal. But to make mindless is impossible, since it would mean to make nothing out of what God created. The ego despises weakness, even though it makes every effort to induce it. The ego wants only what it hates. To the ego this is perfectly sensible. Believing in the power of attack, the ego wants attack.
The ego believes that there is power in attack. This is why when I feel endangered in any way my first thought is to defend myself through attack. Sometimes I even act on this thought before I stop to consider that ego always speaks first and loudest. An example is when a coworker failed to complete a task that affects me. I asked him for the rest of the information and he said that he wasn’t supposed to do that part. I felt endangered because this was my customer and so my income was threatened.
At first I was frustrated that he was arguing the point with me and I argued back. I could hear the attack in my voice as I am sure he did, and he just became more defensive. I stopped myself and told him I would get the information he needed to finish the task. I was more frustrated with myself than with him at this point. I keep reacting to this person and I keep forgiving it and then I do it again.
The ego thinks that this person is a threat to me, and that the only way to defend myself from him is to attack him. The ego always feels like attack is power and so it always wants to attack. I see that and I also see that attack makes me feel anxious and afraid. If I need to attack it seems that I must truly be imperiled. If I am imperiled then I must not be the eternal, divine being that I am learning to identify with.
This conflict in my mind makes me feel weaker still, and confused about what I am. It seemed like a moment at work, a brief, though unpleasant, encounter with a coworker. But the effect of choosing conflict and choosing attack is not inconsequential, and the effort to make it seem so is the ego attempt to hide from the truth. The ego is always either attacking or hiding.
I have learned that I want to do neither. I have learned to look at my thoughts and feelings and to allow them to be corrected. Looking without guilt is painless and effective. If I feel guilt when I notice the attack thoughts, I realize that is just another belief to be released. Belief in guilt is just further attack, and attack does not protect me. Quite the opposite, it increases my fear and creates doubt as to my true identity.
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