II. The Answer to Prayer, P 2
2 Let us suppose, then, that what you ask of the Holy Spirit is what you really want, but you are still afraid of it. Should this be the case, your attainment of it would no longer be what you want. This is why certain specific forms of healing are not achieved, even when the state of healing is. An individual may ask for physical healing because he is fearful of bodily harm. At the same time, if he were healed physically, the threat to his thought system might be considerably more fearful to him than its physical expression. In this case he is not really asking for release from fear, but for the removal of a symptom that he himself selected. This request is, therefore, not for healing at all.
I completely understand this paragraph and totally accept it. The logic is absolutely clear; if I ask for something, but am afraid of it, then I don’t really want it. However, I have noticed that sometimes it is hard to see that I am asking for something and at the same time afraid I will receive it. I think I really want the healing, and can’t understand why I don’t receive it.
I had a problem at work last week and I was angry about it. I don’t like that feeling anymore and I know it is not in alignment with my goal of awakening to project onto my brother. So I asked for the Atonement in this situation. As I learned from Nouk, “Holy Spirit, please help me to forgive myself for using my boss to attack myself and to separate from your Love as my Holy Self.”
I had to work at this for awhile because I kept going back to thinking how wrong he was. I felt threatened by him and so I was afraid to give up my belief that he was attacking me. After all, how could I defend myself if I turned my back on his attack? This is an example of asking for healing, but being afraid of the healing, and so not really wanting the answer. After a day and a half of returning to Spirit with renewed desire to be healed, I felt like it was undone.
Then I went back to work. As soon as I saw him, I was upset again. Holy cow! Was I ever going to be free of this? I asked the Holy Spirit to look at this with me again, and to give me some clarity about it. The thought that came to me was that this could not possibly be his fault because it is my story. I made this story through my desire to be seen as unfairly treated, and separate from my brother. How could it be his fault?
I know this is true. I have no doubt that it is true. And yet, here I was watching the ego mind busily assassinating my brother and stealing my peace. As the day wore on, I felt worse and worse. Looking at my mind I realized I felt guilty and afraid because I was not accepting healing. I know it is not the Holy Spirit ignoring me, so it must be me not really wanting the healing.
Again, I spoke to the Holy Spirit. I knew guilt is not real and that I was making that up. I knew that I want to awaken more than I want this man to be guilty. I saw that I was obviously, for awhile, afraid of the answer. But I wanted the answer and so I asked for healing again, this time for the guilt and fear in my mind. I asked Him why I felt to so bad and had so much trouble letting this go when it was so clear to me how I made this image from a desire based on a false belief.
What He showed me is that I asked for healing and healing was accomplished in that moment of asking. He showed me that the ego does not want to let go of the grievance and so my ego mind keeps offering it to me. The ego says that I am guilty for not being free of this situation. It says that I am guilty for feeling guilty. I was mesmerized by this circular thinking. The Holy Spirit told me to look away.
That was that! As soon as I looked away, I was free of the guilty feelings and free of the desire to project it onto someone else. Sometimes it is that simple. I refocused my attention on what is true rather than looking at the illusion of guilt. Now the thought that I was wronged comes into my mind at odd times, but I am not attracted to it, and so have no emotional reaction. I just quietly hand it over to the Holy Spirit and enjoy the peace of mind that is my right.
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