Together, We Light the Way

The Gift

I learned something about myself around this whole surgery thing. The surgery was for a hernia repair. It was supposed to be a simple day surgery, quickly in and out, a week or so of recovery to get back on my feet. And that is exactly how it went for about ten hours, and then I passed out and hit the floor.

I have never passed out before this. I was sitting down when it happened. At first I just began feeling very odd, as if someone was dimming the lights. I felt strangely disconnected from my body. This was one of those instances when everything seemed to be in slow motion. I had a number of clear thoughts and I?m pretty sure it happened more quickly than I am remembering it.

I first wondered what was going on with my body, and recognized that something pretty odd was happening. I wondered if I had taken too many pain pills. I mean, who puts a person under the influence of narcotics in charge of their own dosing, anyway? With that thought I wondered if I had over dosed and maybe I was going to die.

At first I felt a sense of panic at the thought, and I started a detour into fear. Then, just as suddenly, I thought, ?Well Ok, if it is time, then it is time. I don?t know how I feel about this.? And just as I very often do in everyday life (you know, every day life, when I?m not thinking I?m going to die in the very next moment!), I gave it over to the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to be in charge. I surrendered my efforts to think. I surrendered my desire to judge what was happening, or even what should happen.

As the physical process played out in my body, I felt stranger yet, but I had become an observer watching it happen. I was interested, but no longer emotionally attached to the outcome. I had called on a higher power, and as odd as it seems under the circumstances, I felt at peace with the situation. When I came to on the cold tiles, I wondered why I was sleeping on the floor, and a brief experiment with lifting my head convinced me that I wasn?t getting up on my own. Fortunately Toby was home taking care of me and with Sheryl and Archie?s help they got me to the hospital where I spent a couple of nights.

A friend and I were talking before this happened. I was saying that I think I am finally getting over my fear of death, but how could I know for certain until it happens. Thinking that I may be close to dieing gave me a chance to evaluate my progress. But, more important to me, is that I now know that my vigilance in bringing everything to the Holy Spirit for His interpretation rather than my own, has been working. Even in a moment of acute fear, I remembered Who I wanted to follow. I feel very humbled by this experience and very grateful. I also feel motivated to redouble my vigilance.

I would never choose surgery and losing consciousness as a learning experience. But, as long as I am inhabiting this body and living on this planet, things are going to happen to me. Some will be less enjoyable than others. What is true about everything that happens is that I have a choice about what I want to do with these experiences. I can choose to whine about them and bemoan how unfair life is. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and wonder why everything seems to happen to me. I?ve tried all of the above, by the way, and haven?t noticed that any of these choices has added joy to my life.

The other choice I have is to accept the gift each new experience brings me. Perhaps you?ve read Illusions by Richard Bach. In it he says, ?There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.? If I am having trouble seeing past the pain and discerning the gift, I ask God for clarity. Each lesson, each gift is a precious opportunity to move closer to my original state of grace. That is what they are for. I don?t want to overlook a single one.

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