Together, We Light the Way

The Monster Within

Since I had my surgery, I?ve needed a lot of help. At one time, it would have been hard for me to ask for help. Heck, it was even hard for me to accept help that was offered. I always hated to ask people to go out of their way for me. I?ve always hated to ask for favors. That?s odd, really, because I?ve never hesitated to do favors for others; I just hated asking for favors. What I noticed this time, is that I have been much more comfortable allowing people to help me.

I think there is more than one reason for this change. First, I have learned that helping others brings me joy. I?ve always been one to pitch in and help if asked, and sometimes without being asked. So you would think I?d already know that helping others brings joy. I believe, though, that in the past I was not helping others for the sheer joy of helping. I had ulterior motives.

I helped so that people would like me and think well of me. I helped, sometimes, because I didn?t know how to say no. So, instead of feeling the joy that could have been mine, I was feeding my ego. What a hungry ego it was! Enough is never enough. It seemed the more I fed it, the hungrier it got. The more praise and admiration I garner for it, the more it demands just to, temporarily, quiet the hunger pains. I would never satisfy its ever growing need to be adored.

I may have started out motivated to feed the monster within, but it became a real chore. Sure, at first the ego seemed pleased with my offerings of respect and friendship, and it whispered to me of how loved I must be. But, the glow of satisfaction would fade with the murmurings of gratitude, and I would be left feeling empty and bereft of love until I found another opportunity to feed my ego.

It was much like the phenomenon of taking a drink for the pleasant feeling it brings. It seems such a lovely gift. Then you discover that it takes two drinks just to experience the same glow. When the glow is gone- how dark it seems.

It started out innocently enough; I feed the ego with a little praise such as the compliments my boss tosses my way for giving beyond the call of duty. Then I add some gratitude for a favor done for a friend. It was only a mild inconvenience to me, and it pleased her so much. There was a nice glow from my ego as I laid these offerings at its altar. When the glow faded, I was uncomfortable in the seeming darkness left behind, so I found more food for my ego. Soon it seemed that I was trying to feed an elephant with a tablespoon. That?s when I started feeling resentful.

When someone would ask a favor, I would say, ?Of course, how can I help?? In this way I would gather the praise and gratitude needed to keep my monster within fed. But, beneath that would be the carefully controlled anger and resentment; the feeling of being taken advantage of, of not being appreciated for myself, but only for what I do.

The problem was that the more I fed my ego, the more it grew until I forgot there was anything else. I began to believe that I was my ego. I identified so completely with my ego that if I didn?t continue to satisfy its ever growing appetite, I thought I would cease to exist. But behind that ugly monster there was the true me-the me that God created. This Divine Spark created by God to be like Himself, glows eternally. While I can ignore it and act as if it is not there, I can do nothing to extinguish it. I had become so busy feeding the monster that all my attention was focused on it,and I forgot there was anything else to see.

As I started working with the Holy Spirit to return my focus to my spiritual self, I was able to see that Divine Spark, and, lo and behold, it wasn?t really what I would call a spark at all. It was an ever expanding light that filled my mind until I began to identify with it instead of with my ego. This light showed me that I don’t need to be adored. I am adorable whether anyone notices or not. I don’t need anyone to accept me, love me, respect me or be impressed by me. I am already all of those things.

I was talking about this with my friend, Carrie. We were discussing how to tell the difference between joy and pleasure. We decided that joy is of the Holy Spirit. It is ours anytime we want it, and it doesn’t go away as long as we choose it. Pleasure, on the other hand is of the ego. It feels good for awhile, but doesn’t last. When it is gone, there is an emptiness that feels painful. If I think I need to be adored and I get that kind of feedback, it feels good for as long as it lasts, but when it is gone, it feels awful. Since it seems to be outside of me, I can never be sure of getting it back, and that is scary. Even while I am being adored, I cannot really enjoy it because I know that I can lose it at any moment. So if I want to choose joy instead, I just bring everything that isn’t joy to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to heal it for me. It isn’t complicated or hard.

My ego still begs for scraps, and sometimes I feed it, but it is just an old habit, and I can see myself giving it up entirely someday. Now I don?t believe I am that needy, grasping person. When I give, I give because of the joy it brings me, not to feed the monster within. So, when I need help from someone during my recovery, I ask for it. It takes nothing from me to ask for help, and what I understand now, is that giving truly is a joy. I am pleased to give my loving family and dear friends the chance to experience that joy for themselves.

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