I was listening to a Wayne Dyer CD yesterday and I heard something that was very helpful to me. He said that there are no justified resentments. That?s great isn?t it? There are no justified resentments. I love that it is so clear. It doesn?t say there are almost no justified resentments. It doesn?t say that most resentments are not justified, just that there are no justified resentments.
If I accept that statement as true, then letting go of resentments becomes much easier. I don?t have to decide which resentments to let go of. I don?t have to decide which resentments deserve my attention because they are just so justified. I simply accept that none of them are justified, and go from there. And why would I accept that statement as true?
I accept it as true because I want to be happy. If I have even one resentment in my life, I have given up my peace. I have placed my happiness in someone else?s hands. I have said that my happiness and my peace are up to you. If you will just apologize or act differently, if the world will just modify itself to accommodate me, then I can be happy. Well, good luck with that!
If, on the other hand, I am willing to take full responsibility for how my life is at this moment, then I can have peace; I can be happy. It is all in my own hands as soon as I acknowledge that there are no justified resentments.
The only problem with this is that I want to argue that there are a few of my resentments that seem justified. I mean, that person really did something bad to me. He did it on purpose and ruined my life. Actually, once I get to thinking about it, my whole life is just a string of justified resentments. Well, ok, there a few resentments that become a stretch as I try to justify them, but the rest are certainly justified.
That?s the problem when I try to justify any one of them, the rest ride in on its coat tail. And the simple truth is, no matter what anyone did to me, or said to me, or how the world treated me, it is entirely up to me what I do with that. I can bemoan what happened and feel sorry for myself. I can continue to allow it to poison me for the rest of my life. Or, I can accept that the world does what it does, and how I feel about it or choose to see it, is the only reality it has for me.
I can recognize that what this person standing in front of me says is not the cause of my unhappiness. I am not angry because of what he said. I am angry because of how I chose to experience what he had to say. In this way, I am entirely responsible for my life. I am free at any moment to change my mind about how I feel about what happens to me. It is that simple.
While it is that simple, it isn?t always that easy, I grant you that. I have a death grip on some of my resentments. I can?t let them go because I don?t want to. I would prefer to be right than happy. It is insane to think that keeping you in the prison of my blame is going to make me happy or do anything good for me, but there you are. I do it all the time.
Since I made the decision to be happy I have been systematically releasing resentments. As each one comes up, I let it go. I give it to God and I ask Him for another way to see it. No one is prying it from my clenched fist; I am choosing to open up and let it fall away. I tell you; such a weight is lifted from my shoulders when I do this.
Sometimes, though, I will hide a resentment from myself. I?m not exactly lying when I say there are no more resentments. It is more like I am just withholding the truth. If I never think about them, then they can?t really hurt me, right? Wrong. I was reading Conscious Loving by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. These two psychologists say that withholding is a form of lying and that, physically, it can show up in several ways.
? Tight throat
? Clenched jaw
? Headaches at the temples or back of the neck
? Held or shallow breath
? Tension areas between shoulder blades or in the forearms
? Fluttering sensations in the stomach
? Evasive eye contact
I mention these symptoms because the other day I got a chance to experience them all. I didn?t realize what was going on at the time, but when I read this book I was amazed at how accurate they were.
Mary had invited me to the AA convention in Beaumont and I agreed to go. At the time I agreed, I felt a slight flutter in my stomach, but put it down to concern that I would have to cancel appointments and free up an entire day to accommodate this plan. By the time I got everything all arranged and arrived in Beaumont, I was fine with it, and was wondering what it would be like.
Well, when I went in I immediately realized I was way out of my comfort zone. As I started walking through all the people there, I felt myself closing off, putting up my shields. I knew this was crazy, but I couldn?t seem to help how I was feeling. I kept trying to see it differently, and just got more and more uncomfortable.
This really made no sense. Why was I feeling so threatened? I tried to think it out and couldn?t. There was a speaker for Al-Anon and I thought that this would be interesting to me. I grew up with an alcoholic father and have several relatives and many friends who are alcoholics and drug addicts. Even so, I have never been interested in going to Al-Anon, and had never attended a meeting.
If I had been really truthful with myself, I would have realized that it was more than a casual disregard that kept me from joining this group at some point. Well, we listened to a really nice lady who spoke very honestly about her experience as a wife of an alcoholic. She has been his wife for a very long time, and though it was a difficult marriage for much of that time, she loves her husband, and is very happy.
Those are the facts of what I heard, but my reaction indicated I was hearing something different. The more she spoke, the angrier I became. I didn?t know why. I just knew that I felt such resentment toward her, and now that I thought about it, I felt resentment toward the rest of the people in the room. What was going on? I was feeling all of those symptoms I told you about.
I couldn?t figure it out and I couldn?t really think about it. I was so busy keeping a tight control over my emotions that I couldn?t really think clearly. I just knew that I was going to have to look at this when I got home and could think again. I asked the Holy Spirit to look at it with me-later.
Well, later stretched on awhile. I kept myself pretty busy for awhile, but finally I couldn?t take the loss of peace any longer. I sat still and meditated. When I felt calmer, I asked the Holy Spirit to look at it with me and to help me see this differently. I took it a step at a time, and allowed myself to look closely at what happened, and to experience my feelings fully.
This is when I got a glimpse of some of those unconscious, deeply buried resentments. I remembered that I felt discomfort from the first moment I encountered the attendees in the halls. Why should I feel discomfort around people I don?t even know? The Holy Spirit helped me to see that I wasn?t seeing those people-I was seeing my fears. It was as if there were hundreds of people representing my fears rushing at me all at once. No wonder I was feeling overwhelmed.
Immediately, I got a picture of my father in my mind. Oh my, I thought I was through with that. I thought my dad was all dealt with and put away. I knew in that moment, I had been withholding the truth from myself. I felt such rage toward him. And the resentment I felt toward the people in the Al-Anon group, what was that all about?
The Holy Spirit helped me to see that they were bringing up for me the un-forgiveness that I was hiding from myself. That woman had forgiven and was happy. There was a part of my mind that was outraged that she had forgiven. Her story proved that she was fully justified in her resentments, and yet she had chosen forgiveness instead. Seeing this, I had to look at my own un-forgiveness toward my dad and also toward my ex husband, and what it was doing to me.
Ok, I thought I had fully forgiven these people, but I will just do it now. There, that?s done. Then I would see the face of the speaker in my mind, and it was like I put up my hand and said, ?Stop.? All the anger and hostility would rise up in me again. I tell you, I was really having issues with that poor woman! Every time I thought about her, I got mad.
I didn?t know what to do. This was just so disheartening. You think you have worked through something, and there it is all over again. I just couldn?t seem to get past my anger. I said, ?Holy Spirit, I just can?t do this. What am I going to do?? And the thought that came very clearly in that moment was, ?But you are not alone. I am with you.? I felt such a deep sense of relief flow over me.
I said, ?OK. I don?t know how to forgive this, but I am willing. What do I do?? He said to me, ?Nothing. You have already done your part. I will do the rest.? I just stood there and cried. I felt such peace.
After this, I saw that this had nothing to do with anything that happened outside of me. It had nothing to do with the convention, or the people there. I was no longer angry at that nice Al-Anon lady. I saw that it didn?t even have to do with my dad. My mom and dad came here to work on their forgiveness lessons, and that is what they were doing. I joined them so that I could work on my own. Why on earth would I resent them for providing the very circumstances that allowed me to do the work I had chosen to do?
I told my dad that I love him and that I appreciate him. I also appreciate that, all these many years after he died, he is still providing me with an opportunity to practice forgiveness, and to love unconditionally.
If I told you all the stories about my life living with an alcoholic father, and then with an alcoholic husband, I might convince you that my resentments are justified, but I don?t want to be justified. I don?t want to be right. I want to be happy. I want peace and joy. The world is just chock full of teachers, people who help me to see my own buried resentments, and so give me the chance to heal. I feel only gratitude toward them.
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