You can only see within another that which you see in your self. This holds true for what you see in God. If you see an angry, vengeful God, then it is because there is anger and a desire for vengeance within you. There is a phrase from the bible that says ??vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.? When you hear those words, does some person come to mind? Do you see a picture of the one who wronged you? Do you get a little thrill of righteous indignation, and just punishment when you think of God avenging you?
I have experienced this. It is not something I am interested in now, but in the past, I certainly have seen a God of vengeance and was elated in the thought that all these sinners were going to get theirs. They weren?t going to get away with anything. Some were obvious sinners; the Hitlers, the Ben Ladens, the murderers of the world. Others were on my own personal hit list. The ones who insulted me, hurt my feelings, got the job I wanted, the man I wanted, offended me in any way. And I saw God as my own personal hit-man. They were wrong, and they were going to pay for it.
Does it sound funny to think of it that way? Think about your own life. Has someone sinned against you? Has someone been unfair, or hurt someone you love? Do you see them suffering for their sin? Do you feel that it is unfair that they should get away with this, and do you see the scales of justice being balanced by God? God as hit-man, making the wrong-doers suffer for their sins, and we get to make a list for him to consider. Good grief, what a vision of God!
I decided that vengeance is truly God?s and so I gave it to Him. He thanked me for my gift of trust that He knew what to do with vengeance, and then He taught me to love instead. I began to see my brother differently. For instance, instead of seeing an ex-husband as the cause of my distress, I saw him as my dear brother in Christ. Instead of seeing him as a selfish, self-centered person intent on ruining my life, I saw his inner wounded child begging to be loved.
When I gave my thoughts of vengeance to God, He gave me the gift of vision. I gave Him my thoughts of being attacked by others, and He showed me their true self. I gave Him my fear of being attacked and He showed me the love and support I receive from many every day of my life. I gave Him my rage against those who threaten me, and He gave me the peace of God.
I am not entirely free of the need for vengeance, though I am not so overt in my attacks as I used to be. Now it is more subtle. I have learned to cover my attack with softer words. Someone says something harsh to me, and I think to myself, ?They just don?t know any better.? That is an attack and attack calls for vengeance. I tell myself that I am not angry. I understand. In truth, if I see this person as less than me, I have attacked him.
I say instead, ?Ok, he hurt me, but I will forgive him.? This is an attack. If I see my brother as wrong, I have attacked him. I have, in my mind at least, lowered this person from the perfection in which he was created, and made him less. That is an attack. This is a vengeful act.
It may seem to you that as long as you keep your dark secret to yourself, then it hurts no one, but this is not at all true. Our minds are connected. We can feel from another what remains unsaid. We may not be conscious of the details, but we feel the judgment, and the lack of love.
Another thing that happens is that when we see another as less than, we see ourselves that way. Just as I cannot see in another what I don?t see in myself, I make true for myself what I believe about another. In our deepest hearts, we know that we are connected in a way that we don?t see with our eyes. When we believe that someone is awful, we have opened the possibility of awfulness in ourselves.
As we teach, we learn. This is the reason I have become vigilant of my thoughts. I want for my brother only what I want for myself. I will not believe about you anything I would not embrace fully as my own. And, it is not necessary that I believe evil of anyone.
When I look at what they do, it may seem to be very compelling evidence that my brother is wrong, but in our creation God called us good, and what proves God wrong must be a lie. I have done many things in my life I am not proud of, but I don?t condemn myself for them. I made errors, but I accept God?s judgment of me. He judged me good, and God does not change his mind. If I act less than good, that is just an error and easily undone. I am still good.
This is the way I look at my brother. He may do things that are not good, but that does not change creation. He has simply made errors. When I find myself in judgment, which Jesus was very adamant that I am not qualified to do, I ask the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking about this.
All judgment, even the most benign, is attack, and all attack is a form of vengeance. I am, in effect, saying that I judge you as falling short, and I condemn you for it. Who am I to judge a child of God? To judge God?s creation, is to judge God as a creator. Now, not only have I made of God a vengeful God, but I have made of Him a faulty Creator. I have seen in my brother faults, and so I see in myself the potential for faults, and what I see in myself, I see in God. I have now created God in my own image.
To put God back on His throne, and to see Him as Love, which He is, I must experience correction of my thinking. Correction must come from the Holy Spirit. Left to myself, I am going to be blinded by what my eyes seem to tell me. I will see only everyone?s mistakes, and will attempt to forgive through the ego, which will only compound the error. I will try to change my behavior, try to act like I believe the best of them, or that I do not hold their evil deeds against them. This will not work. True healing comes only from the Holy Spirit, through my willingness to be corrected.
It can be amazingly hard to give up my judgments, my attacks, my vengeance. They bring me nothing but unhappiness, and yet I cling to them as if they were salvation itself. And that is the cause of my reluctance. I do believe that through judgment and attack, my vengeance saves me. I believe that if I truly forgave, if I really believed that my brother is completely innocent of any wrong doing, I would be stripped of my armor.
Where is my protection then? If my brother acts badly, and I don?t acknowledge his sin, then am I somehow open to harm? And if I recognize his sin, and condemn him for it, am I somehow protected from that sin? Or perhaps I feel the need to use my brother as the screen where I project my own sins. If my brother is innocent, does that leave only me to carry the guilt?
This is only the ego?s insane and convoluted thinking. In truth, I am completely innocent. You are completely innocent. This is God?s judgment of us, and it will not change. You, precious child of a most perfect and holy God, cannot be wrong. No matter what you do, you have the promise of God?s absolute and total love, because God is Love. Love can only be itself; it cannot be anything else. It cannot be condemnation, or vengeance.
Because I am created in the image of God, I can be only love. I am free to imagine I am something else and to act out my imagination. But my creation is held untouched and protected by my creator, and my imagination may cause me untold misery, but it does not change me. Because I am tired of playing like I am less than God created me, and am tired of the pain this brings me, I am vigilant for the truth. I may have some resistance to releasing judgment, but I will eventually do so because I trust God to offer me something better.
Vengeance is truly God?s. Give it to Him. He knows what to do with it. If only you release those thoughts to Him He will transform them. He will not wrest them from you, or in anyway coerce you into giving them up. His love for you and His faith in you is great. You are free to live in any way you please. If you want the dark and depressing life of a vengeful and angry person, God will allow you to have that. But always He stands ready to take it from you and give you, instead, a life of light and joy.
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