We recently went to Menard’s and picked out a carpet remnant for the office.
My partner was tired and ready to leave, asking if there was anything else we needed to look at. I made a comment about kitchen flooring—which he again dismissed. He surmises that “I” want everything “new” in the house. So the ego mind flipped out.
I abruptly walked away. My behavior made it plain that I was angry—-but also there was “hurt”—-is that about my request being denied? Or that my judgment is solely wrong?
As I waited by the exit, I wondered what this was reflecting back to me? A belief that I never “get” what I want? Or the belief that I have to struggle or fight to get anything? The pain “I” experience is only from my thoughts. “I am never upset for the reason I think. I am upset because I think I am in competition with God.” (My brother is God; I am in competition with my brother.)
The Course is teaching me that when I attack a brother, I am really attacking myself. (There is no “other” out there.) When I attack myself, I’m really attacking God. Yet, I am part of God. God does not attack Himself—-so my belief is insane. I hold my insane thoughts so I can “be right” and stay in the world as I know it. And I continue to inflict more pain on myself. Don’t I know how to ask for help? Of course I do—-but will I ask the correct One for help and healing? Am I willing to surrender my insanity?
“My meaningless thoughts show me a meaningless world.”
I did not stop, ask for help and accept truth. That’s the real reason for my anger/upset. I wrote the script; I put those words into the actors mouth. And instead of forgiving the idea that I am lacking anything, I made the mistake of thinking this was real. Wanting to be right took precedent
over being happy. I wrote that scene so I could have the opportunity to release the idea that I don’t have it all. The truth is I have been given everything; I am part of everything, everywhere, every instant. I am whole, complete, eternal.
Do I really want to continue the belief that I have nothing and am nothing? Do I really want to continue playing the innocent victim?
The Course tells me over and over, that the insanity will not last.
I will finally decide that I no longer want or need the pain. I will decide to wake from the silly dream, I will decide that I want truth above all else. My inner peace will be the witness that I have surrendered the insane ideas/thoughts. The inner peace will shine away the mistakes, bringing Light into every mind.
And I am grateful that this is so.
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