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January-March, 2020

Healing Relationships Is an Inside Job

by Rev. Cathy Silva, Ordained Ministerial Counselor

On a Saturday morning I went for my walk around the neighborhood and as I did I listened to the audio version of a book I learned about from Pathways of Light. The book is titled The Only Little Prayer You Need by Debra Engle. It’s a short read and I was able to listen to the entire book in just a couple hours. I love that. I also love that this short prayer is a way of practicing the true forgiveness referred to over and over in A Course in Miracles.

The prayer is:

Please heal my fear-based thoughts.

As in the steps in practicing true forgiveness, we first become aware of our fear based thoughts or ego, which is something I’ve been vigilant about doing for the past few months especially.

Once a fear based thought comes up, you say the prayer to Holy Spirit (Higher Power), Please heal my fear-based thoughts about… (whatever the bear based thought is).

The last step is you witness the miracle.

I’ve noticed lately as I acknowledge my fear based thoughts with at least the intent to let them go that my ego is having a hissy fit; like it’s hanging on for dear life, knowing its days are numbered. I have experienced such healing in my relationships from the inner work I’ve done with Spirit’s Guidance, especially in my relationship with my husband. With Love in charge, our conversations together while he’s away at work for two months at time and our time together while he’s home has been for the most part void of the bickering, struggle and strain that had become a regular thing when fear was running the show. Now most of the time we thoroughly enjoy each other even while we are apart. We miss one another but there is a new sense of peace and appreciation about the purpose of our relationship and we are happy to each have the opportunity to do work that feels meaningful and on purpose.

When I returned from my walk, I went about the house and did some chores while I finished listening to the audio book. At around 11 a.m. I received a FaceTime call from my husband. He’d been working nights so it was early for his call. I’d noticed lately he’s been calling right after he wakes up so he’s still groggy and especially so this morning since he had not gotten his desired amount of sleep. Now I could have interpreted this as he was excited to talk with me after he woke up.

However, my ego went right into judgment about him calling me while he was still tired and not alert enough to have a ‘good’ conversation. From this position of blame and judgment I got downright mean — poking fun at him and referring to him as Eyore, the donkey character from Winnie the Pooh who is portrayed as being down and negative all the time. Then I asked if he had downloaded the Love Languages app I’d sent to him, fully expecting of course that he still had not. He said he downloaded it but had not had time to do anything with it. Well, with my ego large and in charge, my fear based thoughts about not being a priority or important were triggered. All of these thoughts boil down to I don’t matter. I have learned that quite possibly that is what all our fear based thoughts boil down to.

I jumped to the conclusion that he really didn’t want to download the app; he was just doing it to appease me. And further- more he didn’t really care about our relationship or thought doing anything to make it better was worth his time.

I have been really craving connection and intimacy with him and I think I was grasping at any way we could achieve that together.

The fact is that the desire for connection and intimacy is one we all share. When we are not in our right mind, we look to get our needs met outside ourselves and from what the Course refers to as ‘special relationships.’ I was looking to get my need for love met from my husband and I felt using this tool together would be helpful toward that goal. Though when he didn’t respond the way I wanted him to then it confirmed the fear based thought — I don’t matter. We ended up falling back into an old pattern of blame and judgment and defense. We hung up the call with “I love you’s” that felt void of any real feeling of love at all.

It’s interesting that I have been so aware of my thoughts lately that even as I seem to be entrenched in the ego tirade I’m aware of it’s antics. As we were engaged in this hurtful exchange, there was that part of my mind that was observing it all play out, though in the thick of it I didn’t seem to have the power to stop it.

There is a line in ACIM Text, Chapter 2 Section VI Fear and Conflict, that stands out to me where Jesus says, “Fear cannot be controlled by me, but it can be self-controlled. Fear prevents me from giving you my control.”

To me this means that at any moment the decision maker part of my mind can make the choice to quiet the fearful ego mind so that I may be Guided by Love. It’s also important to remember that the ego is simply a mistaken identity. You are the decision maker, not the ego. This puts the control back with what is for our highest good and the good of all concerned.

My husband and I share the highest intention to be loving in the best way we can. We’ve made the commitment to one another to love unconditionally and support one another in our growth. Sometimes we just get off track.

Remembering that commitment was key to the shift I was able to make once we got off our call together, I made the decision to step back from the confrontation that still raged in my mind and remember the love we share and remember the prayer, “Please heal my fear-based thoughts.”

I surrendered to the Source of Love within me. Then what arose in my awareness was Ho’oponopono, the ancient Hawaiian practice for healing, and a prompting to send my beloved a text saying:

“I’m sorry. Clearly my ego was engaged and in charge. Please forgive me for allowing that to happen and affect our time together. Thank you for your love and being my partner in life. I love you.” I instantly felt peace. I wasn’t even concerned about how or if he would respond. It was a total giving from my heart to his without the need to ‘get’ anything in return.

I went on to enjoy my day and he got some more sleep. After a while I received a return text: “I’m sorry too. I love you.” He’s a man of few words (smile). In actuality there were no more words necessary. I felt his heart. The blocks to the awareness of our love for one another were removed. Later in the evening we had another conversation where we shared what had happened and what we learned from it from a fresh perspective.

© 2019, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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